You know the expression "beating a dead horse"? I feel like I'm giving the horse mouth-to-mouth, the whole time thinking that maybe the next breath will be that one...and how am I ever going to know if I don't try just one more last breath? This is a living breathing THING, this is something I once loved and hope to love forever. I know I should give up and I know I look like the biggest idiot on the planet flailing and wishing and working as hard as I do to keep it just on the verge of alive....Someone needs to put ME out of my misery. Someone call it. Tell me the time of death and tell me its ok to let it die, because its no good loving something that doesn't love you back enough to breathe.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Recently I've been thinking a lot about choices. After much thinking I've come to the decision that the things that people think are inherent qualities or personality traits or feelings you can't help are, for the most part, choices. Then I started thinking "how can I choose to have a personality trait or a quality if its just inside me?" The answer is that there are VERY few things that ONLY happen inside your head. For the most part, every thought, inner monologue and CHOICE effects our personalities and our actions towards other people. For example:
This is the one everyone talks about. "Love is a verb" is what they always say. You don't just feel love, love inspires you to do things you wouldn't normally do when you're not feeling it. This is all true, but because it effects your behavior it is also a CHOICE. I can feel the butterflies, the exhilaration, the agony, and the all encompassing whirlwind that love has to offer...but only after I give in. You don't HAVE to love anyone. True, sometimes it feels like it because there is so much crap bursting inside you that if you don't admit to it you feel as if you'll explode...but you probably wont. Its that admission, the giving in, the (in my case) "oh fine already I guess I love him now leave me alone so I can turn my life upside-down even though it makes NO sense" decision. Its a decision to give up what is logical for what is emotional. Giving up reason for instinct. Choosing to ignore your fears and focus on your giddiness. Love is a force you use to act, not a force acting upon you.
This is an interesting one. It has a lot in common with love but its slightly different. Friendship is another verb, it is a relationship, and all relationships are active, living, breathing things...until you forget to feed/water/potty them and they die a withering death like your old tomagatchi in 6th grade. In my opinion, friendships take more time, more work. Friendship comes from your choice to be around someone who you have fun being around. I personally think that Brandon Flowers and I would get along great, we have the same beliefs, the same taste in music, and I'm sure a million other things in common (wishful thinking)..but he isn't my friend. Unfortunately, we've never met, let alone spend time together. So no friendship exists based solely on my belief that there SHOULD be one. He has to choose to be friends with me too.
Its believing in something without seeing it. But more than just a belief, faith gives us the motivation to live our lives in a certain way. Without faith we'd all go to bed terrified that we might not wake up in the morning-which I sometimes do anyway- but the remainder of the population isn't as paranoid as me and believes with all their hearts that the sun will be back in a few hours and their lives will have some sort of order that they can predict. No one is forcing us to believe that, we do it because we choose to, because going to bed every night wondering if you'll ever see the sun again seems like a waste of time and emotional energy when its come up every morning before. We choose to have faith in the things that we believe. No one can implant faith into you, you have to make the decision to not only allow it to be resident in your heart and mind, but to let that faith dictate your actions in the world.
It's more than just finding a pencil (Broadway reference). Happiness, like love, sometimes defies all logic and reason. This is because it is another choice. I'm not saying that outside sources don't have any effect on a person's happiness. They do. I'm pretty sure that no one has lived their entire lives without having a bad day or surviving a bout of depression, its the human condition. What I am saying is that happiness is how we can choose to react to those outside sources. Its not an easy choice when bad things are happening, when it feels like your world is crumbling around you the last thing you want to do is put on a big smile and laugh it off. Yet somehow, people seem to do it. Somehow people are able to forget that their boss just yelled at them for something they didn't do, and remember that awesome toy they're gonna buy when they get paid. Happiness is a choice, and a choice you have to WORK to keep up, but isn't that what everyone is searching for? I guess not, I guess REALLY people are looking for happiness without having to do anything to get it, but that is just not how the things happen. And to quote Elle Woods: "Happy people just don't kill their husbands..."
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
My romance doesn't need a castle rising in Spain
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
- Taking the CHES (Certified Health Education Specialist) Exam in October so I can be:
- Trying out for "Dance Your Ass Off" in LA on November 21st...oh yeah, I'm doing it, and I'm gonna ROCK it.
- Actually working out. (For serious this time guys)
- Plan my next fabulous vacation...I'm thinking something much less expensive this time though
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
I crocheted (Kristen taught me how=))
I got a spray tan (shhhexy)
I went to Islands twice
I played with an adorable tiny ewok dog
I encouraged civil disobedience
I bought a graduation dress
I bought all last minute vacation items
Most exciting: I got a letter from Jordan!!! only 2 weeks between letters this time! Included in the envelope was an "Arizona Tucson Mission Dating Application" which was a joke, obviously, but its hilarious and I'm gonna fill it out and send it back to him anyway =)
I graduate college with a Bachelors Degree in Health Science
I have to wake up at 5:30 AM which makes me think attending the ceremony is dumb
I rush to church to still be able to hopefully fulfill my calling and turn in my tithing
I have a HUGELY GINORMOUS party at my house to celebrate
I start packing for my European Vacation, (I leave on the 25th!)
Most Exciting: Writing back and telling him about all the exciting things in my life
My priorities seem out of whack
Monday, May 10, 2010
And I am so crazy happy about all that was said
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Posted by Chantal Reed at 4:29 PM
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Use with caution.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
That is the number of days until I get on a plane and go to Europe for 2 and a half weeks. Here is the itinerary so far...
Leave from LAX 5/25 7:40-switch in London- Arrive in Glasgow 5/26
Le Village Hostel
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Jordan emailed home today, he was a couple days late but I wasn't entirely worried...Until I went home and checked where his address is on Google Maps... He is 4 miles away from the Mexican border. Juarez to be exact. You know what else google told me about El Paso/Juarez?
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
People are strange...Just ask Jim Morrison, he knew it all too well. What I am starting to realize is that, for the most part, people are a lot alike. We have different ideas about what happiness is and therefore our motivations to get that happiness vary, but I think in studying our differences we have forgotten the thing that ties us all together: Everyone just wants to be happy.
Now I'm not going to go into the deep philosophical things that make people happy, because I believe that deep down the same things create true lasting happiness. However, it seems that most people want to put roadblocks in front of their happiness; As if it is some sacred treasure or Grandma's fancy china that you can only use for VERY special occasions...then the whole time you use it you're having a panic attack about breaking it because you know, statistically, fancy china doesn't last forever. Happiness has become this elusive, abstract word with a long lost meaning that no one fully understands anymore. "When I'm 30 pounds lighter, I can be happy", "When I graduate, I can be happy", "When I get married, I can be happy", "When I buy a house, I can be happy"....It goes on and on until you are suddenly on your death bed and realize that YOU are the only thing that has kept yourself from being happy.
We chain up our spirits and refuse to allow ourselves to experience joy because we somehow believe we don't deserve it. The truth is that everyone deserves to be happy the way they are, without caveats or conditions. Happiness that is contingent upon specifics and delicately balanced atop achievements and unattainable goals will never sustain itself. Yet we do it. All of us to some extent or another. What is it about being happy that so terrifies the human race? When did "Happiness" become yet another thing we impose upon ourselves as a chore, something that we have to work for and toil to get? Yet another thing for us to fall short and feel bad about not having? I'm not sure that is the point. I'm pretty sure that sometimes, happiness really is "finding a pencil" not "practically perfect in every way"...Though that WOULD be pretty awesome.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
- God is perfect, and as such he will be perfectly just and perfectly dole out to me what I deserve
- I will never fully understand WHY things happen
- But I am in total control of HOW I react to them
- Time is definitely a man-made thing, not an eternal thing
- I will always have at least one friend at any given time who will be what I need at that time
- Miracles happen all the time
- That I am capable of more than what I can see right in front of my face
- No matter how ugly this patch is, the whole picture will end up beautiful
- I am so totally NOT in control of anything
- If I pay my tithing, I will never want for anything materially (not REALLY)
- As compared to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ I am a dumb dumby McDumberson from Dumb-Ville so I should just listen to them already.
- Sometimes, love for someone else is what keeps you going when nothing else can get you out of bed
- Sometimes, happiness is a warm puppy
- People are different...and if I want to stay a part of society, I should try to love them anyway...or at least stay away from them so I don't spew hate all over the place and everyone around me who may actually stand a chance at loving them.
- Every experience, good or bad, has the ability to make me a better person or a worse person and it is up to me choose which.
- The scriptures really DO have an answer for everything
- The temple is absolutely a sacred place
- Mental and emotional strength are just like any other muscle...in order to become stronger you have to exercise them and push them beyond what you think their limits are...often.
- "Stressed out" and "Overwhelmed" are states of mind, not states of being.
- I am 23. My life isn't over yet, and really it wont ever be so I should stop counting down.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
I've been thinking a lot about what makes us all so hard on ourselves. Especially as a Mormon gal, I have seen so many of my friends, including myself, go completely crazy and feel like terrible people over something silly. I do this ALL THE TIME, though I very rarely will show it or talk about it. I was talking to my internship supervisor and she said this: "This is your head. This is your heart. It is a VERY VERY long journey from your head to your heart, but for some reason when something hits your heart it is INSTANTLY picking at your head." The truth of this stuck with me. I can try my very best to logic my way out of feeling things, but it never works. The messenger just never seems to make it to my heart to deliver the message that my brain is the one making sense here. Then, the second something gets in there and changes how I feel or I get that little pin prick of paranoia or anxiety or pain straight to the heart...BOOM there goes my head a mile a minute thinking of all the horrible things I can possibly think about myself. I can only assume that the messenger from my brain is morbidly obese and riding a midget, while the messenger from my heart is 4 feet, 80 pounds, and riding a cheetah. I am a horrible person to myself sometimes, as if I WANT to make myself feel horrible, as if I think I deserve it...and I know that I am not alone in this unexplainable weirdness.
During church on Sunday I got these thoughts, and they had nothing to do with what was being said, so i payed attention to the lesson I was being taught. Think about the person you love more than anything. Got it? Now think about how you want them to be awesome, how much potential they have, the dreams you have of them being happy and full of life and eventually being perfect. Now...think of how much it hurts you, and maybe even angers you when someone else comes along and talks trash on them, or makes them feel bad about themselves. Think of a time when that person you love more than anything allowed someone to get into their head and bring them down to their lowest points. Feel that? Feel how much that SUCKS? I can only imagine what our Heavenly Father and Elder Brother feel when we bring ourselves down. Can you imagine how sad they are when we spend days upon days trashing ourselves, telling ourselves we aren't important, or saying that we'll never be anything greater than this? It must hurt them infinitely more because they know EXACTLY how amazing and divine we are, EXACTLY what our potential is and EXACTLY what we are capable of if we just let ourselves BE that amazing person without dragging around all that baggage that just doesn't matter.
So I am making this commitment to myself, and its real since it is in writing. I am going to love myself regardless of what my own heart/head tries to tell me, and let other people (including divine people) love me. If my Heavenly Father loves me as much as he does in my imperfect state (which I know he does, just like I know he loves ALL of us) why would I throw that love back in his face and say "No, I don't want that from you, and I don't believe you when you say I'm worth it" when all he wants to do is love me infinitely, more than anyone on this Earth can. Isn't that really all we all need in order to keep going sometimes, more love?
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Second Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency
Heavenly Father has not left us alone during our mortal probation. He has already given us all the “safety equipment” we will need to successfully return to Him.
A number of years ago, a one-inch article in my local newspaper caught my attention, and I have remembered it ever since: “Four people were killed and seven workers were rescued after clinging for more than an hour to the underside of a 125-foot-high [38-m] bridge in St. Catharines, Ontario, [Canada,] after the scaffolding they were working on collapsed” (“News Capsules,” Deseret News, June 9, 1993, A2).
I was, and I continue to be, fascinated by this brief story. Shortly after reading this account, I called a family friend who lived in St. Catharines. She explained that the workers had been painting the Garden City Skyway bridge for about a year and were two weeks short of completing the project when the accident happened. After the accident, officials were asked why these men did not have any safety equipment. The answer was simple: they had the equipment; they just chose not to wear it. After the scaffolding gave way, the survivors held on to a one-inch (2.5-cm) lip of steel girder and stood on an eight-inch (20-cm) ledge of steel for over an hour until rescue teams could reach them. One survivor related that as he clung to the bridge, he thought a lot about his family. He said, “I just thank the Lord for me being here today. . . . It was pretty scary, I tell you” (in Rick Bogacz, “Skyway Horror,” Standard, June 9, 1993).
There are many lessons to be learned and comparisons to be made from this incident. While most of us will never face such a dramatic, life-or-death situation, many of us feel that we are going through a scary time in our personal lives.
We may feel as though we are holding on to what may seem to be a one-inch lip of steel girder. Our mortal probation is not easy, and it is not brief. We are blessed to come to this earth and gain a mortal body. This life is our opportunity to prove ourselves and exercise our agency (see Abraham 3:25). We can choose to follow Heavenly Father’s eternal plan of salvation (see Jarom 1:2; Alma 42:5; Moses 6:62) and redemption (see Jacob 6:8; Alma 12:25; 42:11), or we can try to find our own way. We can be obedient and keep His commandments, or we can reject them and face the consequences that will surely follow.
Because of this, we too have a hazardous job description and duty. We must deal with challenges. We may experience loneliness, strained relationships, betrayal of trust, temptations, addictions, limitations of our physical body, or the loss of much-needed employment. We may be challenged with feelings of disappointment because our righteous hopes and dreams have not been met in our personal timetable. We may question our abilities and fear the possibility of failure, even in our Church and family callings. The challenges and the dangers we live with today, including society’s tolerance of sin, have been prophesied by ancient and living prophets. These are just as precarious and real as the threat of falling 125 feet (38 m) to certain death from a high bridge.
My life is not perfect. I deal with many of the same challenges. We all do. I know that the temptations of the adversary and the difficulties of mortality are ever present and beset each of us. I concur with the rescued worker’s expression of his dangerous experience of holding on to that steel girder: “It [is] pretty scary, I tell you.”
It is important to note, however, that in the scriptures there are very few stories of individuals who lived in blissful happiness and experienced no opposition. We learn and grow by overcoming challenges with faith, persistence, and personal righteousness. I’ve been strengthened by President Thomas S. Monson’s endless confidence in our Heavenly Father and in us. He has said: “Remember that you are entitled to our [Heavenly] Father’s blessings in this work. He did not call you to your privileged post to walk alone, without guidance, trusting to luck. On the contrary, He knows your skill, He realizes your devotion, and He will convert your supposed inadequacies to recognized strengths. He has promised: ‘I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up’ ” (“Sugar Beets and the Worth of a Soul,” Liahona, July 2009, 3–4; Ensign, July 2009, 5–6).
Heavenly Father has not left us alone during our mortal probation. He has already given us all the “safety equipment” we will need to successfully return to Him. He has given us personal prayer, the scriptures, living prophets, and the Holy Ghost to guide us. At times, using this equipment may seem cumbersome, awkward, and horribly unfashionable. Its proper use requires our diligence, obedience, and persistence. But I, for one, choose to use it. We must all choose to use it.
In the scriptures we learn about another key piece of safety equipment—a “rod of iron.” Disciples of our Savior, Jesus Christ, are invited to hold on to this rod in order to safely find their way to eternal life. I am speaking of Lehi’s vision of the tree of life found in the Book of Mormon.
Through divine personal revelation, the Book of Mormon prophet Lehi and his son Nephi were each shown a vision of our mortal probationary state and its accompanying dangers. Lehi says, “And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost” (1 Nephi 8:23). Yet “he [also] saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to [that] rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree,” meaning the tree of life (1 Nephi 8:30).
From Lehi’s vision we learn that we must take hold of this safety railing—this iron rod, found alongside our individual straight and narrow path—and hold tight until we reach our ultimate goal of eternal life with our Heavenly Father. Nephi promises that those who hold fast to the iron rod “would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction” (1 Nephi 15:24).
I invite you to read again the full accounts of this inspired vision. Study them, ponder them, and apply them to your daily life. In modern terms we might say we are invited to “get a grip.” We must hold on tight to the iron rod and never let go.
President Harold B. Lee, the prophet when I was a teenager, taught, “If there is any one thing most needed in this time of tumult and frustration, when men and women and youth and young adults are desperately seeking for answers to the problems which afflict mankind, it is an ‘iron rod’ as a safe guide along the straight path on the way to eternal life, amidst the strange and devious roadways that would eventually lead to destruction and to the ruin of all that is ‘virtuous, lovely, or of good report’ ” (“The Iron Rod,” Ensign, June 1971, 7).
This quote was relevant when I was a teenager, and it is perhaps even more relevant today. Prophets’ words warn, teach, and encourage truth, whether they’re spoken in 600 B.C., 1971, or 2009. I encourage you to listen to, believe in, and act upon the inspired words of those we sustain as prophets, seers, and revelators.
Holding to the iron rod is not always easy. We may let go because of peer pressure or pride, thinking we can find our own way back—later. When we do so, we are leaving our safety equipment behind. In Lehi’s vision he saw many who let go of the iron rod. Nephi says, “And many were lost from his view, wandering in strange roads” (1 Nephi 8:32). In difficult times in our own lives, we may find we are also “wandering in strange roads.” Let me reassure you that it is always possible for us to find our way back. Through repentance, made possible by the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can regain and recommit to a strong grip on the iron rod and feel the loving guidance of our Heavenly Father once again. The Savior has extended an open invitation to us: repent, hold on, and don’t let go.
I, like Nephi, exhort you with all the energies of my soul that you will “give heed to the word of God and remember to keep his commandments always in all things” (1 Nephi 15:25). Use the safety equipment He has provided for you. Hold fast, and believe that Heavenly Father will bless you for your diligence.
I know the restored gospel is true, and I know we are led by a living prophet of God, President Thomas S. Monson. It is my great privilege and blessing to be his daughter. I love my parents dearly.
One evening I was feeling a bit discouraged and said, “Oh, Dad, the blessings we experience as members of the Church and the promised blessings of the temple are so good, if we will only reach out and choose to accept them.” He responded without hesitation, “Ann, they are everything.”
May we hold on to the eternal truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ because they are literally everything is my sincere prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Now a month and a half since the last letter, maybe I shouldn't send it at all and make the brownies myself...
Mean people suck. "I hear fat whores are cheap in Cypress"..."At least I'm not 350 pounds and waiting for a boy that probably wont even want me in 2 years." If I weren't trying to be more Christ-like....that boy would have been emotionally scarred for life. Instead I have to take it, and stew, and cry that maybe he is right. (not about the 350 pounds, I happen to KNOW for a fact that I am not 350 pounds).
Friday, January 15, 2010
Do NOT look up his ex girlfriends on Facebook...especially if they are about 293847298374298374923874 times hotter than you.
Ugh. What a day ruiner.
The more time goes on since he left, the more I am entirely convinced that the year we were together was a giant fluke. He is amazing and I am ridiculously lacking... How could he stand to be with me for over a year? Now he is out there getting even MORE amazing and I'm still sitting here.
A few days before he left I jokingly said "Its ok, I know you are just going on a mission so that you can break up with me." I think I may not have been joking so much as wanting him to prove me wrong...instead he was just slightly insulted and logically pointed out that even the worst relationship on earth would be easier than serving a mission...thanks...haha.
I'm all full of icky feelings again, I haven't gotten a letter in a month now and I'm so worried that he might not want to hear from me at all. I must purge myself of these before I have another emotional breakdown, those are so inconvenient.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Time is a funny thing. We are either waiting on it to pass, trying desperately to hang on to what has come and gone, or trying to slow down the inevitable. I am simultaneously doing all of these things for different aspects of my life, and I do not think that mine is a singular experience. While I am grateful for the time I have been given, as I have a lot to accomplish, I would rather hit the fast forward button sometimes. However, other times I would rather go back and the rewind button would be the most attractive. I want more time, but I would like to be able to pick and choose where that time would go.
I look at pictures from last Christmas and New Year's time and I can't believe it has been a year already, it all seems like it just happened, and that it happened forever ago.Sometimes I can't believe this last year has even really happened. It is all so surreal: finishing up classes, wisdom teeth, cancer, and kidney stones. Travels, goals, and learning discipline. Crushing, dating, falling in love, staying in love, saying good bye to love so that other people can have the chance to feel the amazing powers of the gospel...and SO many tears...how could all that have happened already? Now here we are, at a screeching halt. Waiting. Waiting for interviews, for exercise to take its effect, for paperwork, for doctors appointments, for every precious letter, for dreams to come true, for good days to come, and for the hard days to pass. My Patriarchal Blessing says specifically that I must be patient, so I'll be patient.
Monday, January 4, 2010
If anyone is not familiar with HowStuffWorks.com you should make yourself familiar with it. That website is the most entertaining thing on the whole internets and it isn't even a time-sucker because you are LEARNING INTERESTING STUFF! I realize that statement makes me a ridiculously annoying nerd, but it is true.
The best part is the "Stuff You Missed In History Class" Podcast HERE. I am in the throws of an all out addiction. I downloaded like 80 of them and have been listening to them
off and on non stop for the past week. They recommend books on the subjects you are interested and tell you, as you would expect, the stuff your history class never told you. Genius. Give me more please. I have learned tons in a very little amount of time. I wish I had this podcast when I took my AP history exam.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
In Biggest News:
Christmas came, it was wonderful. ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE I GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY MY PLANE TICKET TO EUROPE!!!! Yup, thats right everyone, I am on my way! Last week I almost completely emptied my bank account and bought myself plane tickets. On May 25th at 7:50 at night I fly out to London switch planes, and head to Glasgow! I will meet Marisa there and we will have an exceptional 2 weeks gallivanting through the UK and eventually hit Paris. It will be astounding, superb, and all those other words that mean "effing awesome". Now I just need to save up the money to pay for lodgings and food and other necessities like transport and souvenirs. I'm actually not that worried about it because now the heat is on, I have to save up the money.
In other important, but not as fun/exciting news:
Still waiting on word from...well ANYONE about getting an internship, I sent in a bunch of applications right before Christmas but I still haven't gotten any feedback. I am absolutely terrified that I won't be able to find a place to take me, I wanted to already be started by now! So please, everyone, pray for my internship and by extension my entire academic future....PLEASE!
In Jordan news: