Thursday, July 28, 2011
So I have this problem (weird right? I NEVER talk about my problems here...) I have taken the art of self sabotage to a whole new level. I've been thinking about a lot of complex things over the last few weeks. Hope. Emotion. The future. Sabotage. In doing so I've realized a lot of ugly things about myself. Things I'd like to change but I'm honestly not too sure how I'd even start going about it. I believe the root of it all is the fact that I have 0 hope for myself. But that is not what this post is about. This post is about my breakthrough that I had in my brain earlier today that I'd like to immortalize here. Partially so I can look back and remind myself, and partially so that at least the people who read it know that I know it is a problem and I'm working on it...
I self sabotage. I self sabotage to the point where my 10 inch mole-hill of possible achievements turns into a 40 foot crater in the middle of opposite-of-goals-ville. This is becoming more and more apparent to me as the time ticks down til Jordan gets home. I am SO terrified about the unknown of it all that I have to restrain myself-sometimes physically- from being a complete idiot and ruining everything I've worked for. I couldn't understand why it was suddenly so hard to just be a good person like I have been trying to be for a while now...Then I got really honest with myself and realized what the deep recesses of my psyche was feeling. If you aren't really trying then you aren't really losing anything if it doesn't work out. It's not failing if I didn't REALLY try, it was just something that happened, not like I care or anything because I mean I didn't even TRY. Of course I'm not losing any weight, I'm not even REALLY trying, I'm sure if I did it would work...maybe. But if I try my hardest and then fail anyway...well that is worse than just staying the same. Most of all it is this: When I sabotage myself and thereby make myself completely unlovable and insure without a doubt that there is no way he'll want me...well then there is no need to wait and worry about it his decision, I took control of the situation and took away the fear of the unknown. Seriously, how effed up is THAT? I'm starting to think I really need therapy.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, and then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.