Thursday, July 28, 2011

Le Saboteur

So I have this problem (weird right? I NEVER talk about my problems here...)  I have taken the art of self sabotage to a whole new level.  I've been thinking about a lot of complex things over the last few weeks.  Hope. Emotion. The future. Sabotage.  In doing so I've realized a lot of ugly things about myself.  Things I'd like to change but I'm honestly not too sure how I'd even start going about it.  I believe the root of it all is the fact that I have 0 hope for myself.  But that is not what this post is about.  This post is about my breakthrough that I had in my brain earlier today that I'd like to immortalize here.  Partially so I can look back and remind myself, and partially so that at least the people who read it know that I know it is a problem and I'm working on it...

I self sabotage. I self sabotage to the point where my 10 inch mole-hill of possible achievements turns into a 40 foot crater in the middle of opposite-of-goals-ville.  This is becoming more and more apparent to me as the time ticks down til Jordan gets home.  I am SO terrified about the unknown of it all that I have to restrain myself-sometimes physically- from being a complete idiot and ruining everything I've worked for.  I couldn't understand why it was suddenly so hard to just be a good person like I have been trying to be for a while now...Then I got really honest with myself and realized what the deep recesses of my psyche was feeling.  If you aren't really trying then you aren't really losing anything if it doesn't work out.  It's not failing if I didn't REALLY try, it was just something that happened, not like I care or anything because I mean I didn't even TRY.  Of course I'm not losing any weight, I'm not even REALLY trying, I'm sure if I did it would work...maybe.  But if I try my hardest and then fail anyway...well that is worse than just staying the same.  Most of all it is this: When I sabotage myself and thereby make myself completely unlovable and insure without a doubt that there is no way he'll want me...well then there is no need to wait and worry about it his decision, I took control of the situation and took away the fear of the unknown.  Seriously, how effed up is THAT? I'm starting to think I really need therapy.


The Westbrooks said...

I do the exact same thing. If I don't actually apply myself, I don't have to be sad when it turns out badly. The only mistake in that line of thinking, is that by not trying at all, you're ENSURING that it will turn out badly. Whereas if you do try, and try your hardest, the chance of things turning out the way you want them goes WAY up. It's scary to take that leap of faith and say "okay, I'm going to work out for 30 minutes every day, and even if I don't see results, I'm going to keep doing it." For me, the fear is crippling.