Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Do you ever have one of those days...

Where you just hate yourself? 

Well, today isn't one of those days.  However, I do feel it creeping up on me and I don't like it.  I know it is a bad sign when I just want to lay in the dark and listen to Michael Buble and Taylor Swift.  Between my mother's almost-abduction (see her Facebook for details),  finals week, losing my wallet for most of the day, not getting a letter from Jordan for a month and a half, and being on day 8(!) of my period...I've just had enough.  Unfortunately I now have to drag myself back out to Fullerton to take another final and after that all I have to look forward to tonight is going to bed.  It's also EFFING cold!

Back to studying

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I love this Movie

"Despite my conviction there was the occasional set back... 'I want my erotic nose brain removed. My emegulata. The organ that processes erotic senses deep within my nasal cavity that then connects to memory... Well let me see if I can explain this. I had a boyfriend that smelled really really good. Like soap, fresh laundry and vanilla and whenever I smell any of those things Im reminded of my boyfriend and how happy we were and he dumped me for no good reason and I get really sad and angry and before I know it I am in the throws of an all out emotional breakdown and I was just thinking that if I could short circuit my nose somehow, I might actually have a chance of living a semi-normal life someday." 

~ Jane Goodale, Someone Like You

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Because I'm STILL Having a Hard Time...

Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time”

Elder Quentin L. Cook Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Quentin L. Cook, “‘Hope Ya Know, We Had a Hard Time’,” Ensign, Nov 2008, 102–6

Last winter my daughter had a white-knuckle experience driving in a severe snowstorm. She reminded me of a similar situation I had with my two sons many years ago. My youngest son, Joe, was three years old, and my son Larry was six. We were traveling by car from San Francisco to Utah in June. The weather had been very good.
As we started our ascent to the Donner Pass summit in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, suddenly and without warning an enormous snowstorm hit us. None of the drivers was prepared. A semitruck in front of us had jackknifed and was spread across two lanes. Other trucks and cars had slid off the freeway. One lane was open, and many vehicles, including ours, were desperately trying to gain traction to avoid the other vehicles. All traffic then came to a halt.
We were not prepared for this blizzard in June. We had no warm clothing, and our fuel was relatively low. I huddled with the two boys in an effort to keep us warm. After many hours, safety vehicles, snowplows, and tow trucks began to clear up the massive logjam of vehicles.
Eventually, a tow truck hauled us to a service station on the other side of the pass. I called my wife, knowing she would be worried because she had expected a call the prior evening. She asked if she could speak to the two boys. When it was the three-year-old’s turn, with a quivering voice, he said, “Hope ya know, we had a hard time!”
I could tell, as our three-year-old talked to his mother and told her of the hard time, he gained comfort and then reassurance. Our prayers are that way when we go to our Father in Heaven. We know He cares for us in our time of need.

Each of Us Will Face Trials and Hardships in This Life

The incident I just recounted, while a difficult travel situation, was brief, and there were no lasting consequences. However, many of the trials and hardships we encounter in life are severe and appear to have lasting consequences. Each of us will experience some of these during the vicissitudes of life. Many listening to this conference are experiencing situations of a most serious nature at this very moment.
We resonate with the Prophet Joseph’s petition after he had been falsely accused and imprisoned in Liberty Jail for months: “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?”
The Lord’s answer is reassuring:
“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”1
One of the essential doctrines illuminated by the Restoration is that there must be opposition in all things for righteousness to be brought to pass.2 This life is not always easy, nor was it meant to be; it is a time of testing and proving. As we read in Abraham, “And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”3 Elder Harold B. Lee taught, “Sometimes the things that are best for us and the things that bring eternal rewards seem at the moment to be the most bitter, and the things forbidden are ofttimes the things which seem to be the more desirable.”4
The novel A Tale of Two Cities opens with the oft-quoted line “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”5 The scriptures make it clear that each generation has its own version of best and worst of times. We are all subject to the conflict between good and evil6 and the contrast between light and dark, hope and despair. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained, “The sharp, side-by-side contrast of the sweet and the bitter is essential until the very end of this brief, mortal experience.”7 We know from our doctrine that good will overcome evil,8 and those who repent and are sanctified shall be given eternal life.9
Near the time Dickens was writing his novel, the heroic efforts of the early Saints who settled the Intermountain West were occurring.
Even with their common faith, the Saints had experienced much hardship and approached the evacuation of Nauvoo with very different expectations. Some looked forward with optimism, others with concern. Two excellent examples are presented by Helen Mar Whitney and Bathsheba Smith. Both have left compelling records of their feelings.
Sister Whitney recorded her expectations upon leaving Nauvoo: “I will pack away all my little ribbons, collars and laces, etc., for we are going where we cannot purchase them. We are going out from the world to live beyond the Rocky Mountains where none others will wish to go. There will be neither rich nor poor among us, and we will have none but the honest and virtuous.”10 Sister Whitney’s words resonate with an idealistic optimism.
Sister Bathsheba Smith’s recorded feelings are also full of faith but evidence some trepidation. She had seen the mobs arrayed against the Saints in Missouri and was present at the death of the Apostle David W. Patten.
Recalling the evacuation of Nauvoo, she wrote: “My last act in that precious spot was to tidy the rooms, sweep up the floor and set the broom in its accustomed place behind the door. Then with emotions in my heart I gently closed the door and faced an unknown future, faced it with faith in God and with no less assurance of the ultimate establishment of the Gospel in the West and of its true enduring principles, than I had felt in those trying scenes in Missouri.”11
Both of these LDS pioneer women remained strong in the gospel throughout their lives and provided wonderful service in building Zion, but they faced many additional trials and hardships, which they both faithfully endured.12 Despite Sister Whitney’s optimism, her first three children died at or near birth—two of them during her extended exodus from Nauvoo to Salt Lake.13 Sister Whitney has blessed us with her writings in defense of our faith and was the mother of the Apostle Orson F. Whitney.
Sister Smith recorded the poverty, sickness, and privation that the Saints suffered as they made their way west.14 In March of 1847 her mother passed away, and the next month her second son, John, was born. Her record of that is brief: “He was my last child, and [he] lived only four hours.”15 Later in her life she was the matron of the Salt Lake Temple and the fourth general president of the Relief Society.
We are deeply touched by the hardships that the early Saints endured. Brigham Young captured this somewhat humorously in February 1856 when he stated: “I might say something with regard to the hard times. You know that I have told you that if any one was afraid of starving to death, let him leave, and go where there is plenty. I do not apprehend the least danger of starving, for until we eat up the last mule, from the tip of the ear to the end of the fly whipper, I am not afraid of starving to death.”
He went on to say, “There are many people who cannot now get employment, but the spring is going to open upon us soon, and we are not going to suffer any more than what is for our good.”16
The challenges we face today are in their own way comparable to challenges of the past. The recent economic crisis has caused significant concern throughout the world. Employment and financial problems are not unusual. Many people have physical and mental health challenges. Others deal with marital problems or wayward children. Some have lost loved ones. Addictions and inappropriate or harmful propensities cause heartache. Whatever the source of the trials, they cause significant pain and suffering for individuals and those who love them.
We know from the scriptures that some trials are for our good and are suited for our own personal development.17 We also know that the rain falls on the just and the unjust.18 It is also true that every cloud we see doesn’t result in rain. Regardless of the challenges, trials, and hardships we endure, the reassuring doctrine of the Atonement wrought by Jesus Christ includes Alma’s teaching that the Savior would take upon Him our infirmities and “succor his people according to their infirmities.”19
The scriptures and modern prophets have made it clear that there will be lean years and plentiful years.20 The Lord expects us to be prepared for many of the challenges that come. He proclaims, “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear.”21 Part of the trauma I experienced crossing the Sierras in that blizzard many years ago occurred because I was not prepared for this sudden, unexpected event. One of the great blessings of the scriptures is that they warn us of challenges that are unexpected but often occur. We would do well to be prepared for them. One form of preparation is to keep the commandments.
In numerous places in the Book of Mormon, the people were promised that they would prosper in the land if they would keep the commandments.22 This promise is often accompanied by the warning that if they do not keep the commandments of God, they shall be cut off from His presence.23 Clearly, having the blessings of the Spirit—the ministration of the Holy Ghost—is an essential element to truly prosper in the land and to be prepared.
Regardless of our trials, with the abundance we have today, we would be ungrateful if we did not appreciate our blessings. Despite the obvious nature of the hardships the pioneers were experiencing, President Brigham Young talked about the significance of gratitude. He stated, “I do not know of any, excepting the unpardonable sin, that is greater than the sin of ingratitude.”24

Gratitude for the Savior and His Atonement

Our foremost gratitude should be for the Savior and His Atonement. We are aware that many who are listening to this conference are experiencing trials and hardships of such intensity that the underlying feeling in their hearts as they approach our Father in Heaven in prayer is “Hope ya know, I’m having a hard time.”
Let me share with you the true account of one sister, Ellen Yates from Grantsville, Utah. Early in October, 10 years ago, she kissed her husband, Leon, good-bye as he left to go to work in Salt Lake City. This would be the last time she would see Leon alive. He had a collision with a young man 20 years of age who was late for his first job and had tried to pass a slower vehicle, resulting in a head-on collision that killed them both instantly. Sister Yates said that after two compassionate highway patrolmen told her the news, she plunged into shock and grief.
She records, “As I tried to look ahead in life, all I could see was darkness and pain.” It turned out that her husband’s best friend was the bishop of the young man’s ward. The bishop called Sister Yates and told her that the young man’s mother, Jolayne Willmore, wanted to talk with her. She remembers “being shocked because I was so centered on my grief and pain that I had not even thought about the young man and his family. I suddenly realized that here was a mother who was in as much or more pain than I was. I quickly gave my permission … for a visit.”
When Brother and Sister Willmore arrived, they expressed their great sorrow that their son was responsible for Leon’s death and presented her with a picture of the Savior holding a little girl in His arms. Sister Yates says, “When times become too hard to bear, I look at this picture and remember that Christ knows me personally. He knows my loneliness and my trials.” One scripture that comforts Sister Yates is “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you.”25
Each October Sister Yates and Sister Willmore (both of whom are here together in the Conference Center today) go to the temple together and offer thanks for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, for the plan of salvation, for eternal families, and for the covenants that bind together husbands and wives and families on both sides of the veil. Sister Yates concludes, “Through this trial, I have felt the love of my Father in Heaven and my Savior in greater abundance than I had ever felt before.” She testifies that “there is no grief, no pain, no sickness so great that the Atonement of Christ and the love of Christ cannot heal.”26 What a wonderful example of love and forgiveness these two sisters have demonstrated. It has allowed the Atonement of Jesus Christ to be efficacious in their lives.
Think of the Savior in the Garden of Gethsemane during the Atonement process, suffering agony so great that He bled from every pore.27 His cry to His Father included the word Abba.28 This might be interpreted as the cry of a son who is in distress to his father: “O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.”29 I testify that the Atonement of Jesus Christ covers all of the trials and hardships that any of us will encounter in this life. At times when we may feel to say, “Hope you know, I had a hard time,” we can be assured that He is there and we are safe in His loving arms.
When our beloved prophet, President Thomas S. Monson, was asked on his birthday this past August what would be the ideal gift that members worldwide could give him, he said without a moment’s hesitation, “Find someone who is having a hard time, … and do something for them.”30
I, with you, am eternally grateful to Jesus Christ, the rescuer of mankind. I bear witness that He is the Savior and Redeemer of the world. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Happy Birthday Aunt Laurie

Today is my Aunt Laurie's birthday.  She died a few years before I was born after nearly a decade of fighting Leukemia, she was my age.  All my life I've heard about her, and my mom said that when I was a baby, barely talking, I'd say I missed her.  It's funny how we've never met, but all it takes is a few pictures and I completely recognize her, and can hear her laugh.  I think we got along quite well in the pre-existance and I'm positive I learned a lot of my strange personality quirks from her.

For example:
This picture was definitely NOT my mother's idea

She was much braver than I am, but she had a lot of living to do in a short period of time:


I smile like her sometimes:

And she is the only other person in our family with TONS of thin brown hair:

Even after years of chemo, and having no hair, she accepted nothing but the best this life could give her, and loved our Heavenly Father enough to keep on living with a smile no matter how much pain she was really in:

So, Happy Birthday Aunt Laurie.  I can't wait to see you again, thank you so much for all of your gifts and your amazing strength.  I'm proud to have such an amazing legacy to live up to.

Saturday, November 28, 2009


I am quite the believer in having a hobby.  When I don't have some little project going on the back burner I feel like "all work and no play".  Especially now that Jordan has left I have needed to keep my mind occupied to the point of exhaustion all most hours of the day (The nightmares I've been having recently are a whole 'nother story.) Blogging is only one of my new time-wasters.  I have taken up cross-stitching, and I must say, I am pretty dang good at it.  I am doing these three little monkeys that are doing the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" thing.

This is what it will look like when it is done.  Right now it looks like this:

I have also given in financially and bought myself a Disneyland pass!!! The most exciting hobby is being a Disneyland AP holder, I have missed the park (and the discounts) so much!  I went twice last week.  It helps we have a friend in the Christmas Parade =)

Also, Jordan being gone gives me a hobby within itself.  I have an excellently organized binder of his letters and copies of the letters I send to him.  Shut up- its not crazy.  Crazy would be if I read them 3 times a day and had a notebook dedicated to planning our wedding (which I do NOT, by the way).  I write a letter every Monday and I will occasionally get letters back...It's been two weeks since the last one, but we mustn't dwell.  I am also a terrific package maker and, in order to keep up my appearances as NOT being crazy, send out only one a month.  This one was my November package.

I basically went down every aisle of the 99 cent store and picked up everything I thought two boys would appreciate.  These things include: 2 lightsabers, a pirate gun, a slingshot, Belly Flops (mutilated jelly bellys), tons of candy, finger twister, Slim Jims, and the biggest cup o noodle I've ever seen. Yeah, I'm good.  I am still considering and planning for the December package. Any and all comments/suggestions/stories are welcome =)

On a related note, I've added every stupid Facebook game/application and play them all religiously.  If you are my Facebook friend, I apologize.  Please realize that I am only trying to salvage my sanity and I do not expect you to join me or support me in my endeavors.  Don't worry, I won't spam you with requests, I keep to myself unless you've joined of your own free will =)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

Its weird.  I have good days and bad days, but the bad days seem far more terrible than they used to be, and the good days seem to be fewer and further between. They hardly seem worth it.

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin, "Separation"


And now I'm just a whiner.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Maybe I'm not so awesome

Someone please explain to me the mysteries of the human mind.  I was on top of the world about 2 days ago.  All it took was a few bad photos and a few biting words, and here I am. Crushed. I was happy and excited, now I am sad and doubtful.  Things that made me happy before now seem trivial and easily faked, and what credit and happiness can I take in things that could so easily be false?  Sunday is usually such a good day for me, I've looked forward to being uplifted all week, and today...something was missing.  I know it is probably my fault somehow because the Lord is always there, we just need to allow ourselves access to him.  I'm somehow blocking myself from the very happiness I wanted so bad.  Probably from not believing I deserve it. But how do you tell yourself you deserve love and happiness when you really don't believe it?  How do you point to things as "proof" that you are a good person or a beautiful person or a loved person when the proof is so easily tainted with time and backhanded compliments?


Friday, November 6, 2009

Obligatory Halloween Post (Part 2)

Now for the REAL fun.  Halloween night at the Glendale Stake Center.  It was HUGE, it was a stifling oven (especially since I was wearing a corset) and it was AWESOME.

I was Little Red Riding Hood and Shauna was Minnie Mouse =)

Look how sweaty we are! this is only, like, a half hour into the dance.  I'm telling you it was HOT!

This is what it looked like inside. It had all these crazy green lasers everywhere and blacklights going, and sometimes even a fan!
Another super fun night. And another big thanks to Shauna for making me go even when I had a moment of weakness and said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go anymore (in the midst of getting ready).  Thank you for FORCING me to follow my bliss and get out there and have some fun =)

Obligatory Halloween Post (Part 1)

I had two nights of Halloween this year!  First night of Halloween was the Monday before at the CSULB Institute.  A bunch of friends and I went as the cast from Gilligan's island.  I was Mrs. Howell and I carried around Jordan's picture, because he was Mr. Howell =)

P.S. my camera sucked that night, so I apologize for the bad pics.  Here is all of us!

Here is just the girls!

My attempt at a couple self portrait:

A few other people worth noting:

Dwight from the Office

and the Tooth Fairy =P

All in all, a really fun night, glad I was forced to get out of my head for a night and have some fun =)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Another Letter!

That makes 2 in a month! I was expecting that many in a year! I'm so happy I just may dance =)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Just because...

I was reading this talk from the October 2008 General Conference and it hit me just as hard the second time as it did the first time.  I've been feeling inadequate in everything recently, and since I know a lot of people feeling the same way, I thought I'd share. =)

 You Know Enough

Elder Neil L. Andersen
Of the Presidency of the Seventy
As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we have enormous spiritual reservoirs of light and truth available to us. . . . In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith.
Elder Neil L. AndersenI rejoice with you in being members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As President Monson shared the wonderful news of five new temples, I thought how across the world, on every continent, in large cities and in small villages, we are a great family of believers. Together, we have begun our march toward eternal life. It is the journey of journeys. We go forward, taking upon us “the name of Christ, having a determination to serve him to the end.”1
While there are many experiences like the one we are having today, full of spiritual power and confirmation, there are also days when we feel inadequate and unprepared, when doubt and confusion enter our spirits, when we have difficulty finding our spiritual footing. Part of our victory as disciples of Christ is what we do when these feelings come.
Nearly 40 years ago as I contemplated the challenge of a mission, I felt very inadequate and unprepared. I remember praying, “Heavenly Father, how can I serve a mission when I know so little?” I believed in the Church, but I felt my spiritual knowledge was very limited. As I prayed, the feeling came: “You don’t know everything, but you know enough!” That reassurance gave me the courage to take the next step into the mission field.
Our spiritual journey is the process of a lifetime. We do not know everything in the beginning or even along the way. Our conversion comes step-by-step, line upon line. We first build a foundation of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. We treasure the principles and ordinances of repentance, baptism, and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. We include a continuing commitment to prayer, a willingness to be obedient, and an ongoing witness of the Book of Mormon. (The Book of Mormon is powerful spiritual nourishment.)
We then remain steady and patient as we progress through mortality. At times, the Lord’s answer will be, “You don’t know everything, but you know enough”—enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right. Remember Nephi’s words: “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”2
I once visited a mission in southern Europe. I arrived on the day a new missionary was preparing to return home at his own insistence. He had his ticket to leave the next day.
We sat together in the mission president’s home. The missionary told me about his challenging childhood, of learning disorders, of moving from one family to another. He spoke sincerely of his inability to learn a new language and adapt to a new culture. Then he added, “Brother Andersen, I don’t even know if God loves me.” As he said those words, I felt a sure and forceful feeling come into my spirit: “He does know I love him. He knows it.”
I let him continue for a few more minutes, and then I said, “Elder, I’m sympathetic to much of what you’ve said, but I must correct you on one thing: you do know God loves you. You know He does.”
As I said those words to him, the same Spirit that had spoken to me spoke to him. He bowed his head and began to cry. He apologized. “Brother Andersen,” he said, “I do know God loves me; I do know it.” He didn’t know everything, but he knew enough. He knew God loved him. That priceless piece of spiritual knowledge was sufficient for his doubt to be replaced with faith. He found the strength to stay on his mission.
Brothers and sisters, we each have moments of spiritual power, moments of inspiration and revelation. We must sink them deep into the chambers of our souls. As we do, we prepare our spiritual home storage for moments of personal difficulty. Jesus said, “Settle this in your hearts, that ye will do the things which I shall teach, and command you.”3
Several years ago a friend of mine had a young daughter die in a tragic accident. Hopes and dreams were shattered. My friend felt unbearable sorrow. He began to question what he had been taught and what he had taught as a missionary. The mother of my friend wrote me a letter and asked if I would give him a blessing. As I laid my hands upon his head, I felt to tell him something that I had not thought about in exactly the same way before. The impression that came to me was: Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision. He would need to choose faith.
My friend did not know everything, but he knew enough. He chose the road of faith and obedience. He got on his knees. His spiritual balance returned.
It has been several years since that event. A short time ago I received a letter from his son who is now serving a mission. It was full of conviction and testimony. As I read his beautiful letter, I saw how a father’s choice of faith in a very difficult time had deeply blessed the next generation.
Challenges, difficulties, questions, doubts—these are part of our mortality. But we are not alone. As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we have enormous spiritual reservoirs of light and truth available to us. Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith. Jesus said, “Be not afraid, only believe.”4
Through the years we take these important spiritual steps over and over again. We begin to see that “he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”5 Our questions and doubts are resolved or become less concerning to us. Our faith becomes simple and pure. We come to know what we already knew.
Jesus said, “Except ye . . . become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”6
Hadley Peay is now seven years old. Hadley was born with a very serious hearing impairment requiring extensive surgery to bring even limited hearing. Her parents followed with tireless training to help her learn to speak. Hadley and her family have cheerfully adapted to the challenge of her deafness.
Once, when Hadley was four, she was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store with her mother. She looked behind her and saw a little boy sitting in a wheelchair. She noticed that the boy did not have legs.
Although Hadley had learned to speak, she had difficulty controlling the volume of her voice. In her louder voice, she asked her mother why the little boy did not have legs.
Her mother quietly and simply explained to Hadley that “Heavenly Father makes all of His children different.” “OK,” Hadley replied.
Then, unexpectedly, Hadley turned to the little boy and said, “Did you know that when Heavenly Father made me, my ears did not work? That makes me special. He made you with no legs, and that makes you special. When Jesus comes, I will be able to hear and you will get your legs. Jesus will make everything all right.”
Except ye . . . become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”
Hadley knew enough.
Jesus is the Christ. He is resurrected. He is our Savior and Redeemer. All will be made well when He comes again. This is His holy work. Through the Prophet Joseph Smith, His priesthood was restored upon the earth and His prophet today is President Thomas S. Monson. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Saturday is the best day ever!

I slept in til 11:30!
It is now after noon and I am still in my pjs!
I have all day to mull about, cros-stitch, and pick a costume for the dance tonight!

Now a question to the blogosphere:

What shall I be?

  1. A lion. Frizz my hair, wear all brown, paint on whiskers and a nose, make a tail out of yarn
  2. A Pirate. Wear torn up clothes, big ol' boots, and an awesome hat
  3. Little Red Riding Hood.  Initially I wanted to wear my red corset with a shirt under it, but I am not going to dance in a corset, so I'll just wear my vampire cape (its red on the other side). and a houndstooth skirt with a white top.
  4. Vampire...Again. I have the cape.
I doubt anyone will vote in time for tonight.  I'll let you all know what I decide...

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Ok, so KOST 103.5 has this competition going on for a private (100 people or so) concert with Michael Buble at Morongo Casino.  All you have to do is call in when you hear a Michael Buble song and be caller 20.  NOT SO EASY! I've been listening all day, and they've played a song maybe 5 times.  I'm realizing that a radio station is going 24 hours a day and I'm getting tired of all these sappy love songs...especially now that it is "Love songs on the KOST" time. I want these tickets man! I've checked the guy's touring schedule, he will be in Europe in May/June but of course nowhere near where I am going to be at the correct time.  Will he ever come back to the U.S.? If I knew that the answer was yes I might be able to turn off this horrible radio station and get on with my life! ugh!

Milestone #1: Yay! A letter!

My very first one from Jordan! It was an exciting thing for sure.  It was 3 whole pages, front and back sides! I guess my worrying was all just paranoia like the rational side of me thought.  I've never been so happy about a piece of mail =) I will refrain from gushing any further suffice it to say that it is now two days later and I am still smiling about it, but this is my blog and I am supposed to update it with important things in my life. So I'm updating you all, because it is an exciting moment in my life which is almost like being important =P

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

And Now for Something Completely Different...

I love musicians, especially those of the male- singer/songwriter species.  Ive noticed a very distinct pattern in my taste in men, and my fictional love affairs have proven my pattern.  This  post is dedicated to my very favorites.  We shall call them my "lovers" for lack of a better term:

Currently topping my list is Michael Buble:

However, his cuteness can only be properly shown through video:

Haven't Met You Yet
I LOVE that "I'm trying not to smile while I'm singing" thing that he does.

Next, we have  Brandon Flowers:
Yes, he is married with a child, but he is a semi-active member of the church and his marriage was not in the temple so I may still have a shot at some later point...

Next is the ultimate of all crushes: Sir Paul McCartney

Yes, he is now old, and has severe damge, and he is a *gasp* vegetarian...But come ON! He is a musical genius, an icon in rock and roll history, and a KNIGHT in shining armor.  So yes, I'd still hit that =)

Next we have Jason Mraz:

I only have like 1.5 of his albums, I mostly like him because he is cute and does silly things.

I'm sure I'll think of more =)

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

No One Reads This Thing Anyway Right?

I cried today. HARD. The kind of crying that makes you scream and yell out indistinguishable sounds that started off as well thought sentences in your mind...though you don't know who you are talking to...  I got back from Kinko's after spending 145 dollars on making friggin copies that I wasn't even supposed to have to make, but my group pinned on me last minute because they are irresponsible..and I just sat in my car and sobbed...It felt good to just not fight it for once, its cleansing. I don't think I ever really let myself cry about Jordan so that came out too, along with my Daddy issues and my body image issues. I still had to go in the house and deal with my crap-tastic life once again, and do my homework in a dazed exhausted state, but I did it.  I am now going to bed too late and it will probably make tomorrow suck too.  Oh well.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

New Phenomenon: I hate Saturdays

When I have nothing to do all day I am forced to create my own means of entertainment.  I started my Cross-Stitching project.  It is HUGE and I am hoping to finish it before Christmas since it is a Christmas Stocking.  I worked out, I read, I wrote Jordan a letter, I Facebook-ed, and now I am blogging because in going through my Facebook photos I was forced to reminisce and that is not smart in the current situation.

Unfortunately I have nothing new to say so I pretty much suck at this blogging thing.  I think blogging is only for those with exciting jobs/lives.

I watched "Say Yes to the Dress" for like 3 hours today, that is my excitement.  I do love wedding gowns though...

Isnt this one GORGEOUS?

 It goes with this cake:

And this Husband =)


And these Bridesmaids:

P.S. Don't Judge me, ALL girls do this, I'm just bored enough to share. ugh, i miss Jordan...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Global Hand-Washing Day

 Read a BBC article that made me laugh. People's priorities about their health are so effed up: Click Me! 

I realize I am biased but humor me...

Look how horrible it is to sleep in and relax for 2 seconds

2 midterms today, skipped my dentist office volunteering in the early morning hours so that I could study...Instead I slept in 2 hours, and I really needed it since I am surrounded by swine flu and my immune system is no help, but it gave me a minute to relax, 2 whole hours to not be rushing and only thinking about what is happening right this very second...and so of course I start thinking about Jordan.

I sent him a Beef Jerky package on DearElder.com and picking the package and entering the address left me too much mulling time.  I am now completely useless mentally and emotionally for the rest of the day and I have to take 2 midterms...the first one being in 2 hours.  I am totally screwed and the small rational part of my brain is freaking out about it, but the rest of me has lost the will to care.  Great, now what do I do? Oh and AFTER the midterms I get to go to the doctor's office, which is so NOT a happy place. My chest feels tight and achy and I just want to get back in bed. UGH.

Time to force myself to get dressed and eat something I suppose...

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

A turn in the tide...

Ok, so this week-not as good as last week...and last week wasn't even that good...  It seems as if all the good times are over and from here on out nothing but crap coming my way.  Got the news Monday that AT&T will be cutting out 60% of their workers in my mom's office.  If it were 50% she would have been safe, but since it is 60% she is now on the chopping block.  Needless to say, this is a VERY BAD THING for my familiy.  My mother is the sole support monetarily and insurance wise.  Without a job we will be  bankrupt fairly quickly, my part-time job can barely support me, let alone a family full of health issues. We have until early November to figure something out.

Speaking of health issues,  Deidra was diagnosed with Swine Flu on Tuesday.  Oh I'm sorry-H1N1 A (The pork companies did not like "Swine Flu").  So I've been spending the last few days staying AWAY.  Then today, my grandma got sick and has been puking for quite some time..which is always nice.  So basically I am surrounded by disease, and only by the grace of God (and I mean this literally) have I not become bedridden.  My immune system is crap and always has been so I consider my health a miracle at this point.

On that happy note, I am surprisingly NOT freaking out.  I'm slightly bitter and cynical as always, but I am not freaking out... I'd like to hope that is because The Spirit is whispering to me that everything will be ok, but the cynic in me will not allow it and just say I am in denial.  Come on self: think positively!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

From the Lips of Angels...

Some people say that when a song makes you feel like its written about you,  it is good writing.  I disagree.  Recently every song is written about me, and the songs haven't changed at all. Ben Harper's here Comes the Sun nearly brings me to tears and Breathe by Taylor Swift nearly made me swerve into a freeway divider.  I think the beauty in music isn't its ability to speak to everyone, it is its ability to put those feelings (those horrible achy, empty feelings that most people don't understand) into words.  The listener makes the music, not the other way around.  You can have the most beautifully written song with the most descriptive lyrics and perfectly balanced harmonies, but if you are describing an experience that no one else can have, its just noise.  I realize I am in an emotionally ridiculous time right now, and this makes me especially biased and sensitive to all things mushy and disgusting, but doesn't that mean that I especially need that comfort in my life? I say when a song makes you feel like it is written about you, you are feeling something that you should pay attention to.  Anyway, enough with the drama, moving on.
I bought grown up stationary today.  Now to figure out how to write a letter...

My job still sucks, and I still hate it.  I'm considering getting a silly retail job for my nights and weekends so that I can be saving more.

First full day without Jordan, still expecting my texts to be from him, then I remember...

Can't sleep. Maybe I'll have pharmaceutical help tonight.

and with that, I'm off to try again...good night Blog-land.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Missionary Widow

      That's what Malia Thompson called me not too long ago and i think I'll embrace it.  I'm still living my life but this is a weird feeling to have.  He was the only guy who ever loved me back the right way, and I'll miss him.  I already miss him, and I've only been without texting abilities for about an hour and a half.  And these are the roses he sent me before he was phone-less.  The rest of my whining I'll leave for my personal journal but I thought everyone might be interested in knowing that my emotional wall is being chipped away.  I actually cried in public today when he called to say good bye.  I couldn't help it.  Funny thing though, I had that burst of tears and hopelessness...and then nothing, I felt better, I felt calmer.  Perhaps all those months of prayers that I will be strong and comforted were all saved up for when I really needed it.  It's no longer a looming threat any more, it is here, it has happened.  I know what to expect, and I'm completely out of control of anything beyond my letter writing.
       On that note- anyone know proper missionary writing etiquette?  I've only ever written my cousin.  I am not technically waiting for Jordan, and he "broke up" with me 10 minutes before he was set apart to make sure I knew I didn't have to, but its not like I'm emotionally available, its not like a regular break up where I can concentrate on the horrible thing that happened to be mad and get over it, the last things we said to each other were "I love you"...Nothing bad happened, I'm still completely in love with him and have nothing to hate or want to get over...As a matter of fact I adamently do NOT want to get over it.  It's very strange.
        I've gotten away from the point of this blog.  The point of this blog is to let everyone know I am OK.  I have received many a concerned phone call and/or email and though I appreciate them, I don't like to think that people are worrying about me.  Yes, I'm sad.  Yes, I cry a lot.  But look how cute he is? how can you blame me? Anyway, I promised I'd try my hardest not to be sad and that is what I intend to do.  I have jam packed my schedule and given myself plenty of goals to work toward.  Unfortunately I have this weird cycle of sad crying, then feeling better, then being angry, then crying again... It seems to have broken now but if I seem angry, I apologize, you caught me in the wrong part of my cycle.  729 more days =)

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Plans Plans and More Plans

Seems it is all I have been doing recently. I have so many things I want to get done while I'm still young and unattached enough to do them.  Of course number one on the list is a trip to Europe.  While I'd like to take a full tour of the continent and spend 3 months soaking up all I can, in reality I do not have the time or money to do that so I've been forced to make some cut backs.  Of course all of this is totally dependent on who is going.  I have definite "yes" from me and one other friend, and since that is only 2 people we're limited since the cost will only be split in two.  I plan to buy tickets by the end of the year so whoever wants to come along is welcome as long as they pay =)


Day 1: Tower of London, Big Ben, Buckingham Palace, St. James Park

Day 2: London Bridge, Train to Wales, Cardiff Castle and St. Fagan's Natural History Museum

Day 3: Whatever looks interesting

Day 4: Portobello Road- Notting Hill, Abbey Road, Hyde Park

Day 5: River Thames (Globe Theater, London Eye...), Natural History Museum, Jack the Ripper Tour at night

Day 6: Whatever looks interesting

Day 7: Travel to Paris


Day 1: Eiffel Tour, Champs D'Elysses, L'arc de Triomphe

Day 2: Place de la Concorde, Le Louvre

Day 3: Whatever looks interesting/ 2nd day at the Louvre

Day 4: Montmartre (Sacre Coeur, Moulin Rouge...)

Day 5: Notre Dame, Latin Quarter (Pantheon), Luxembourg Palace

Day 6: Versaille (day time), Whatever looks interesting

Day 7: Travel day- Either back to London to fly home or on to the next location if more people commit


What do you think? Am I missing anything?

Malaise and Disinterest

        In the interest of saving those who know me the trouble and annoyance of reading about my problems in a more public forum (read: Myspace/Facebook/Twitter), I have created this blog.  Hereafter no one will be subject to reading my ramblings accidentally and can not accuse me of stealing moments from their life, however unintentional it may be.  That being said I am going to bypass whining about the one thing I really want to whine about in an attempt to fool myself into believing that it isn't happening in my life right now. Oh sweet denial.  It goes without saying, or typing, that I am in a funk; a funk that will not be getting better any time soon.  I have filled my schedule, listed unattainable goals through pages of my personal journal, tried both staying in and crying and going out in hopes to distract but nothing seems to work.  Luckily for all of you out there I have reached the point where my emotional distress is that of the title of this post.  The point where I use big words and type as though I am a professional while listening to Mozart and steadfastly pledge that if all I want to feel is icky-ness then I shall simply not feel at all until my emotional self has stopped being such a menace, as if I am teaching a petulant child a life lesson.  So welcome to the documentation of my therapy, I promise I am way more fun in person than I am in type.