Thursday, October 8, 2009

Missionary Widow

      That's what Malia Thompson called me not too long ago and i think I'll embrace it.  I'm still living my life but this is a weird feeling to have.  He was the only guy who ever loved me back the right way, and I'll miss him.  I already miss him, and I've only been without texting abilities for about an hour and a half.  And these are the roses he sent me before he was phone-less.  The rest of my whining I'll leave for my personal journal but I thought everyone might be interested in knowing that my emotional wall is being chipped away.  I actually cried in public today when he called to say good bye.  I couldn't help it.  Funny thing though, I had that burst of tears and hopelessness...and then nothing, I felt better, I felt calmer.  Perhaps all those months of prayers that I will be strong and comforted were all saved up for when I really needed it.  It's no longer a looming threat any more, it is here, it has happened.  I know what to expect, and I'm completely out of control of anything beyond my letter writing.
       On that note- anyone know proper missionary writing etiquette?  I've only ever written my cousin.  I am not technically waiting for Jordan, and he "broke up" with me 10 minutes before he was set apart to make sure I knew I didn't have to, but its not like I'm emotionally available, its not like a regular break up where I can concentrate on the horrible thing that happened to be mad and get over it, the last things we said to each other were "I love you"...Nothing bad happened, I'm still completely in love with him and have nothing to hate or want to get over...As a matter of fact I adamently do NOT want to get over it.  It's very strange.
        I've gotten away from the point of this blog.  The point of this blog is to let everyone know I am OK.  I have received many a concerned phone call and/or email and though I appreciate them, I don't like to think that people are worrying about me.  Yes, I'm sad.  Yes, I cry a lot.  But look how cute he is? how can you blame me? Anyway, I promised I'd try my hardest not to be sad and that is what I intend to do.  I have jam packed my schedule and given myself plenty of goals to work toward.  Unfortunately I have this weird cycle of sad crying, then feeling better, then being angry, then crying again... It seems to have broken now but if I seem angry, I apologize, you caught me in the wrong part of my cycle.  729 more days =)