Saturday, November 28, 2009


I am quite the believer in having a hobby.  When I don't have some little project going on the back burner I feel like "all work and no play".  Especially now that Jordan has left I have needed to keep my mind occupied to the point of exhaustion all most hours of the day (The nightmares I've been having recently are a whole 'nother story.) Blogging is only one of my new time-wasters.  I have taken up cross-stitching, and I must say, I am pretty dang good at it.  I am doing these three little monkeys that are doing the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" thing.

This is what it will look like when it is done.  Right now it looks like this:

I have also given in financially and bought myself a Disneyland pass!!! The most exciting hobby is being a Disneyland AP holder, I have missed the park (and the discounts) so much!  I went twice last week.  It helps we have a friend in the Christmas Parade =)

Also, Jordan being gone gives me a hobby within itself.  I have an excellently organized binder of his letters and copies of the letters I send to him.  Shut up- its not crazy.  Crazy would be if I read them 3 times a day and had a notebook dedicated to planning our wedding (which I do NOT, by the way).  I write a letter every Monday and I will occasionally get letters back...It's been two weeks since the last one, but we mustn't dwell.  I am also a terrific package maker and, in order to keep up my appearances as NOT being crazy, send out only one a month.  This one was my November package.

I basically went down every aisle of the 99 cent store and picked up everything I thought two boys would appreciate.  These things include: 2 lightsabers, a pirate gun, a slingshot, Belly Flops (mutilated jelly bellys), tons of candy, finger twister, Slim Jims, and the biggest cup o noodle I've ever seen. Yeah, I'm good.  I am still considering and planning for the December package. Any and all comments/suggestions/stories are welcome =)

On a related note, I've added every stupid Facebook game/application and play them all religiously.  If you are my Facebook friend, I apologize.  Please realize that I am only trying to salvage my sanity and I do not expect you to join me or support me in my endeavors.  Don't worry, I won't spam you with requests, I keep to myself unless you've joined of your own free will =)

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

Its weird.  I have good days and bad days, but the bad days seem far more terrible than they used to be, and the good days seem to be fewer and further between. They hardly seem worth it.

Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin, "Separation"


And now I'm just a whiner.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Maybe I'm not so awesome

Someone please explain to me the mysteries of the human mind.  I was on top of the world about 2 days ago.  All it took was a few bad photos and a few biting words, and here I am. Crushed. I was happy and excited, now I am sad and doubtful.  Things that made me happy before now seem trivial and easily faked, and what credit and happiness can I take in things that could so easily be false?  Sunday is usually such a good day for me, I've looked forward to being uplifted all week, and today...something was missing.  I know it is probably my fault somehow because the Lord is always there, we just need to allow ourselves access to him.  I'm somehow blocking myself from the very happiness I wanted so bad.  Probably from not believing I deserve it. But how do you tell yourself you deserve love and happiness when you really don't believe it?  How do you point to things as "proof" that you are a good person or a beautiful person or a loved person when the proof is so easily tainted with time and backhanded compliments?

Friday, November 6, 2009

Obligatory Halloween Post (Part 2)

Now for the REAL fun.  Halloween night at the Glendale Stake Center.  It was HUGE, it was a stifling oven (especially since I was wearing a corset) and it was AWESOME.

I was Little Red Riding Hood and Shauna was Minnie Mouse =)

Look how sweaty we are! this is only, like, a half hour into the dance.  I'm telling you it was HOT!

This is what it looked like inside. It had all these crazy green lasers everywhere and blacklights going, and sometimes even a fan!
Another super fun night. And another big thanks to Shauna for making me go even when I had a moment of weakness and said I wasn't sure if I wanted to go anymore (in the midst of getting ready).  Thank you for FORCING me to follow my bliss and get out there and have some fun =)

Obligatory Halloween Post (Part 1)

I had two nights of Halloween this year!  First night of Halloween was the Monday before at the CSULB Institute.  A bunch of friends and I went as the cast from Gilligan's island.  I was Mrs. Howell and I carried around Jordan's picture, because he was Mr. Howell =)

P.S. my camera sucked that night, so I apologize for the bad pics.  Here is all of us!

Here is just the girls!

My attempt at a couple self portrait:

A few other people worth noting:

Dwight from the Office

and the Tooth Fairy =P

All in all, a really fun night, glad I was forced to get out of my head for a night and have some fun =)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Another Letter!

That makes 2 in a month! I was expecting that many in a year! I'm so happy I just may dance =)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Just because...

I was reading this talk from the October 2008 General Conference and it hit me just as hard the second time as it did the first time.  I've been feeling inadequate in everything recently, and since I know a lot of people feeling the same way, I thought I'd share. =)

 You Know Enough

Elder Neil L. Andersen
Of the Presidency of the Seventy
As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we have enormous spiritual reservoirs of light and truth available to us. . . . In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith.
Elder Neil L. AndersenI rejoice with you in being members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As President Monson shared the wonderful news of five new temples, I thought how across the world, on every continent, in large cities and in small villages, we are a great family of believers. Together, we have begun our march toward eternal life. It is the journey of journeys. We go forward, taking upon us “the name of Christ, having a determination to serve him to the end.”1
While there are many experiences like the one we are having today, full of spiritual power and confirmation, there are also days when we feel inadequate and unprepared, when doubt and confusion enter our spirits, when we have difficulty finding our spiritual footing. Part of our victory as disciples of Christ is what we do when these feelings come.
Nearly 40 years ago as I contemplated the challenge of a mission, I felt very inadequate and unprepared. I remember praying, “Heavenly Father, how can I serve a mission when I know so little?” I believed in the Church, but I felt my spiritual knowledge was very limited. As I prayed, the feeling came: “You don’t know everything, but you know enough!” That reassurance gave me the courage to take the next step into the mission field.
Our spiritual journey is the process of a lifetime. We do not know everything in the beginning or even along the way. Our conversion comes step-by-step, line upon line. We first build a foundation of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. We treasure the principles and ordinances of repentance, baptism, and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. We include a continuing commitment to prayer, a willingness to be obedient, and an ongoing witness of the Book of Mormon. (The Book of Mormon is powerful spiritual nourishment.)
We then remain steady and patient as we progress through mortality. At times, the Lord’s answer will be, “You don’t know everything, but you know enough”—enough to keep the commandments and to do what is right. Remember Nephi’s words: “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”2
I once visited a mission in southern Europe. I arrived on the day a new missionary was preparing to return home at his own insistence. He had his ticket to leave the next day.
We sat together in the mission president’s home. The missionary told me about his challenging childhood, of learning disorders, of moving from one family to another. He spoke sincerely of his inability to learn a new language and adapt to a new culture. Then he added, “Brother Andersen, I don’t even know if God loves me.” As he said those words, I felt a sure and forceful feeling come into my spirit: “He does know I love him. He knows it.”
I let him continue for a few more minutes, and then I said, “Elder, I’m sympathetic to much of what you’ve said, but I must correct you on one thing: you do know God loves you. You know He does.”
As I said those words to him, the same Spirit that had spoken to me spoke to him. He bowed his head and began to cry. He apologized. “Brother Andersen,” he said, “I do know God loves me; I do know it.” He didn’t know everything, but he knew enough. He knew God loved him. That priceless piece of spiritual knowledge was sufficient for his doubt to be replaced with faith. He found the strength to stay on his mission.
Brothers and sisters, we each have moments of spiritual power, moments of inspiration and revelation. We must sink them deep into the chambers of our souls. As we do, we prepare our spiritual home storage for moments of personal difficulty. Jesus said, “Settle this in your hearts, that ye will do the things which I shall teach, and command you.”3
Several years ago a friend of mine had a young daughter die in a tragic accident. Hopes and dreams were shattered. My friend felt unbearable sorrow. He began to question what he had been taught and what he had taught as a missionary. The mother of my friend wrote me a letter and asked if I would give him a blessing. As I laid my hands upon his head, I felt to tell him something that I had not thought about in exactly the same way before. The impression that came to me was: Faith is not only a feeling; it is a decision. He would need to choose faith.
My friend did not know everything, but he knew enough. He chose the road of faith and obedience. He got on his knees. His spiritual balance returned.
It has been several years since that event. A short time ago I received a letter from his son who is now serving a mission. It was full of conviction and testimony. As I read his beautiful letter, I saw how a father’s choice of faith in a very difficult time had deeply blessed the next generation.
Challenges, difficulties, questions, doubts—these are part of our mortality. But we are not alone. As disciples of the Lord Jesus Christ, we have enormous spiritual reservoirs of light and truth available to us. Fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time. In our days of difficulty, we choose the road of faith. Jesus said, “Be not afraid, only believe.”4
Through the years we take these important spiritual steps over and over again. We begin to see that “he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.”5 Our questions and doubts are resolved or become less concerning to us. Our faith becomes simple and pure. We come to know what we already knew.
Jesus said, “Except ye . . . become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”6
Hadley Peay is now seven years old. Hadley was born with a very serious hearing impairment requiring extensive surgery to bring even limited hearing. Her parents followed with tireless training to help her learn to speak. Hadley and her family have cheerfully adapted to the challenge of her deafness.
Once, when Hadley was four, she was standing in the checkout line at the grocery store with her mother. She looked behind her and saw a little boy sitting in a wheelchair. She noticed that the boy did not have legs.
Although Hadley had learned to speak, she had difficulty controlling the volume of her voice. In her louder voice, she asked her mother why the little boy did not have legs.
Her mother quietly and simply explained to Hadley that “Heavenly Father makes all of His children different.” “OK,” Hadley replied.
Then, unexpectedly, Hadley turned to the little boy and said, “Did you know that when Heavenly Father made me, my ears did not work? That makes me special. He made you with no legs, and that makes you special. When Jesus comes, I will be able to hear and you will get your legs. Jesus will make everything all right.”
Except ye . . . become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.”
Hadley knew enough.
Jesus is the Christ. He is resurrected. He is our Savior and Redeemer. All will be made well when He comes again. This is His holy work. Through the Prophet Joseph Smith, His priesthood was restored upon the earth and His prophet today is President Thomas S. Monson. I so testify in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.