Monday, March 29, 2010

Stage 2


Apparently those stages of grief I learned about in high school weren't just a bunch of quacks trying to make mountains out of mole hills.  Because now, almost 6 months in to Jordan's mission, I am ANGRY.  VERY ANGRY.  About what? I don't really know if I can articulate.  Could I really have been in denial (the first stage) all this time?  I guess so, somewhere between denial and depression, which I expected, but it never even occured to me to expect anger.
I'm angry that I am even in this position, I am angry that I have to do this alone, and I am angry that I can't even tell people what this is and I am angry that my own pride and reputation wont let me tell anyone that I am having a really hard time.  I am angry that I don't have a Dad to talk to and wrapped up in the injustice of my family situation even though I never was before.  I am angry that Jordan is in such a dangerous place and that I am worried sick whenever I think about it.  I am angry that I feel guilty when I don't write a letter one week, or when I flirt, because I know that I am totally allowed to do both of those things.  I am angry when another P-day has come and still no email home, and I am angry when I go to letters or texts for comfort and find none.  I'm even more angry when I go to anniversary letters and cards and read what USED to be, then look and see that it is now gone through no fault of my a matter of fact I did the right thing. 

Eff that

Most of all I am angry that there is nothing I can do except cry.  I HATE crying, it solves nothing and just makes me look ugly, but it's all I can do which is freaking dumb.  I have no patience, I have no compassion.  If I am this miserable then I feel no need to make life any easier on anyone else.  I'm jealous of everyone and can't even fake empathy anymore because whatever their problem is it seems like nothing compared to what I feel and my crappy situation.  It's wrong, its really wrong, and incredibly prideful, and I know this, so when I feel myself losing control of my behavior I shut down completely in hopes of minimizing the damage I know I could cause.  I thought I'd rather be angry than sad but now I'm not so sure.  I really wish that I could run away but all money must go towards Europe so I must continue dwelling in my pitiful little hole until then. 

...Maybe I need to take yoga kickboxing or something...


The Westbrooks said...

Anger is natural & anyone who's been in a long distance relationship will tell you that its part of the game. especially the whole "i'm angry that i have to do this alone" part. i totally hear you on that one. i was planning a wedding while my fiance was enjoying his time on a tropical island & studying occasionally. as much as i hated it when people said this to me; i'm going to say it to you: this too shall pass. the anger will fade and you'll be glad that you didn't do/say anything too mean to anyone. don't burn your bridges just yet, the anger will subside. promise. :)

Jenna said...

Yoga is good for anger- take it from a redhead w/a short fuse ;)