Wednesday, January 27, 2010


That does it.  I'm officially depressed.
I feel dumb for wishing and even dumber for believing.
I had an awesome day, and a glimpse into my future career and it looks so exciting.
But I couldn't even really enjoy it.
It's like he has left all over again.
Constantly on the verge of tears, feeling weak, defeated, and sullen.

It's my blog, I'm allowed to whine. I don't do it in real life so I'm going to do it here.

I mean seriously, not even a note in almost 2 months now?
Send me an effing post card.
I want to be angry, but I can't be angry because that would be selfish.
I can't be sad because that would be prideful.
I can't be anxious because that would be impatience.
I can only be happy.  That is the only emotion I am allowed to feel.
I can only be happy, when all I want is to kick and scream and cry and demand answers.
But I can't, because that would be childish.
I don't want to be happy.


Jessica-MKZ said...

GIRL I know how that feels. Before John left "happy" was the only emotion I was allowed to feel. Becuase otherwise he'd get even more worried and anxious, and I knew he needed my support. Now, that didn't STOP me from being depressed and sad, and sometimes I showed a little bit of it, but I think thats a part of love that we need to develop. Yea, I'm totally with you. It sucks he hasn't written an effing thing. And, believe me I respect you for holding up this long. But now he's gone, and youre ALLOWED to freak out. It's expected. I still say write him a little note explaining calmly how you need to hear from him, because you're about to murder the next child you see... well don't go that far but you get my drift. One thing John set up for me to do(because he warned that it would be really unfair for me for a while, and he appologized beforehand) was he started a note in my phone with "Enduring in faith includes..." and he told me everytime I was depressed or sad, to add something to that list. It's now 20 bullets long, and i re-read that when I need to. One of them is "Being there for him when he can't be there for me" Thats love: being frustrated with the situation, but doing it because you love them.
It also helps to talk about them. Pull out your phone, and record yourself just talking. Talk it out. Say anything that is on your mind, crying or calm. Even talk to HIM. But it really helps.

WOW long comment... lol. Hope this helps, Love! HANG IN THERE!!