Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Further proof that I am, in fact, mentally ill

I was considering my future the other day, which is usually a fearful time for me, so I try not to do it often.  I literally feel myself start thinking ahead and then, in order to distract myself, I will make a funny noise out loud or sing a song to stop thinking about it...it's THAT frightening to me sometimes.  Anyway, so I allowed myself to think about it for the first time in...I'd say a year or so....and something even more frightening occurred...I wasn't frightened at all.  Disturbed by this (Am I REALLY so far gone that scary things don't even illicit emotion in me anymore?!) I thought up worst possible scenarios in order to jolt myself into a sense of being human....And it didn't work.  I thought: "What if Jordan doesn't love me anymore?" to which I answered "You'll still live, you didn't deserve him anyway"....not in depresso tones, just matter-of-fact like.  Finding myself still unmoved I tried more drastic inner dialog: "What if ALL your friends get married before you do and you have no one to do things with anymore?" my sullen answer to myself: "Don't be stupid, you know you like being alone, you are social on purpose to keep yourself out of your own head...see you're even talking to yourself now."  "good point." I responded. Still weird-ed out that I wasn't scared or worried or anything I threw out all the stops and said to myself: "Self, what if you NEVER get married; like at all, to anyone, ever?"  My response? "Think of all the freedoms you'll have! Never any pressure to reproduce, no one to bug you when you just want to be alone, no one to be responsible to if you just decide like ditching work or church one day...Shoot you may even get to tour the whole world because you wont have to match up vacation times or feel guilty for leaving someone behind!  I think you'd be good as a lifetime bachelorette."

So yeah, there's that.

1 comments:

lancer2 said...

Oh shoot, this kinda freaked me out, cuz dangit if I have done/thought stuff just like that. I full on assume all my friednds will get married off and I'll be left alone, it's already started. And while I understand friends are important, I'm just so tired of having to make new ones and make new relationships that I''l have to take care of like those tomagatchi pets you mentioned. Personally I've started just doing my own thing and embracing my aloneness, watching the pieces of my relationships fall where they will. I guess it's a little bit sad, and a little bit disturbing when I have conversations with myself, but after reading this I guess great minds think alike.