DOA

You know the expression "beating a dead horse"? I feel like I'm giving the horse mouth-to-mouth, the whole time thinking that maybe the next breath will be that one...and how am I ever going to know if I don't try just one more last breath? This is a living breathing THING, this is something I once loved and hope to love forever.  I know I should give up and I know I look like the biggest idiot on the planet flailing and wishing and working as hard as I do to keep it just on the verge of alive....Someone needs to put ME out of my misery.  Someone call it.  Tell me the time of death and tell me its ok to let it die, because its no good loving something that doesn't love you back enough to breathe.

Further proof that I am, in fact, mentally ill

I was considering my future the other day, which is usually a fearful time for me, so I try not to do it often.  I literally feel myself start thinking ahead and then, in order to distract myself, I will make a funny noise out loud or sing a song to stop thinking about it...it's THAT frightening to me sometimes.  Anyway, so I allowed myself to think about it for the first time in...I'd say a year or so....and something even more frightening occurred...I wasn't frightened at all.  Disturbed by this (Am I REALLY so far gone that scary things don't even illicit emotion in me anymore?!) I thought up worst possible scenarios in order to jolt myself into a sense of being human....And it didn't work.  I thought: "What if Jordan doesn't love me anymore?" to which I answered "You'll still live, you didn't deserve him anyway"....not in depresso tones, just matter-of-fact like.  Finding myself still unmoved I tried more drastic inner dialog: "What if ALL your friends get married before you do and you have no one to do things with anymore?" my sullen answer to myself: "Don't be stupid, you know you like being alone, you are social on purpose to keep yourself out of your own head...see you're even talking to yourself now."  "good point." I responded. Still weird-ed out that I wasn't scared or worried or anything I threw out all the stops and said to myself: "Self, what if you NEVER get married; like at all, to anyone, ever?"  My response? "Think of all the freedoms you'll have! Never any pressure to reproduce, no one to bug you when you just want to be alone, no one to be responsible to if you just decide like ditching work or church one day...Shoot you may even get to tour the whole world because you wont have to match up vacation times or feel guilty for leaving someone behind!  I think you'd be good as a lifetime bachelorette."

So yeah, there's that.

Note to Self: No Guarantees

"There are no guarantees. From the viewpoint of fear, none are strong enough. From the viewpoint of love, none are necessary. "
-Emmanuel Teney

 

Life is scary sometimes.

People let will let you down and disappoint you.*

But there will be some who build you up and help you take on all the opposition of the world. *

Choose to fear people, or love people.

*Paraphrased from my patriarchal blessing so this isn't just my paranoia talking people

Choosing to Verb

Recently I've been thinking a lot about choices.  After much thinking I've come to the decision that the things that people think are inherent qualities or personality traits or feelings you can't help are, for the most part, choices.  Then I started thinking "how can I choose to have a personality trait or a quality if its just inside me?" The answer is that there are VERY few things that ONLY happen inside your head.  For the most part, every thought, inner monologue and CHOICE effects our personalities and our actions towards other people. For example:

Love
This is the one everyone talks about.  "Love is a verb" is what they always say.  You don't just feel love, love inspires you to do things you wouldn't normally do when you're not feeling it. This is all true, but because it effects your behavior it is also a CHOICE.  I can feel the butterflies, the exhilaration, the agony, and the all encompassing whirlwind that love has to offer...but only after I give in.  You don't HAVE to love anyone.  True, sometimes it feels like it because there is so much crap bursting inside you that if you don't admit to it you feel as if you'll explode...but you probably wont. Its that admission, the giving in, the (in my case) "oh fine already I guess I love him now leave me alone so I can turn my life upside-down even though it makes NO sense" decision.  Its a decision to give up what is logical for what is emotional.  Giving up reason for instinct.  Choosing to ignore your fears and focus on your giddiness. Love is a force you use to act, not a force acting upon you.

Friendship
This is an interesting one.  It has a lot in common with love but its slightly different.  Friendship is another verb, it is a relationship, and all relationships are active, living, breathing things...until you forget to feed/water/potty them and they die a withering death like your old tomagatchi in 6th grade.  In my opinion, friendships take more time, more work.  Friendship comes from your choice to be around someone who you have fun being around.  I personally think that Brandon Flowers and I would get along great, we have the same beliefs, the same taste in music, and I'm sure a million other things in common (wishful thinking)..but he isn't my friend. Unfortunately, we've never met, let alone spend time together.  So no friendship exists based solely on my belief that there SHOULD be one.  He has to choose to be friends with me too. 

Faith
Its believing in something without seeing it.  But more than just a belief, faith gives us the motivation to live our lives in a certain way.  Without faith we'd all go to bed terrified that we might not wake up in the morning-which I sometimes do anyway- but the remainder of the population isn't as paranoid as me and believes with all their hearts that the sun will be back in a few hours and their lives will have some sort of order that they can predict.  No one is forcing us to believe that, we do it because we choose to, because going to bed every night wondering if you'll ever see the sun again seems like a waste of time and emotional energy when its come up every morning before.  We choose to have faith in the things that we believe.  No one can implant faith into you, you have to make the decision to not only allow it to be resident in your heart and mind, but to let that faith dictate your actions in the world.

Happiness
It's more than just finding a pencil (Broadway reference). Happiness, like love, sometimes defies all logic and reason.  This is because it is another choice.  I'm not saying that outside sources don't have any effect on a person's happiness.  They do.  I'm pretty sure that no one has lived their entire lives without having a bad day or surviving a bout of depression, its the human condition.  What I am saying is that happiness is how we can choose to react to those outside sources.  Its not an easy choice when bad things are happening, when it feels like your world is crumbling around you the last thing you want to do is put on a big smile and laugh it off.  Yet somehow, people seem to do it.  Somehow people are able to forget that their boss just yelled at them for something they didn't do, and remember that awesome toy they're gonna buy when they get paid.  Happiness is a choice, and a choice you have to WORK to keep up, but isn't that what everyone is searching for?  I guess not, I guess REALLY people are looking for happiness without having to do anything to get it, but that is just not how the things happen.  And to quote Elle Woods: "Happy people just don't kill their husbands..."

Darling you send me...

Honest you do...

I don't know what it is about those old songs that make me feel all dreamy and romantical.  Suddenly I am innocent and naive and easy to please.  All things that society will have us believe make us "simple" or "old fashioned".  Well so what? Isn't happiness simple?  Its pretty old fashioned as well.  NO one writes songs about simple happiness and bliss of being in love.  There is always something that has gone wrong or complicated it, and now the song is about the angst rather than the joy...

Its now or never, come hold me tight...Be mine tonight

Why do we have to make everything so crazy and complicated.  Who decided that made life BETTER?  Don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for electricity and the internet and the invention of the iPhone, but they didn't really make me any happier...well....maybe they did, but I think mostly they just over-stimulated me to the point where if I'm not doing 200 things I feel bored.

Put your head on my shoulder, hold me in your arms baby...Maybe you and I will fall in love.

Remember that feeling?  The first time you held hands with him, the first time you finally let him steal that kiss...The secret kisses you had in the kitchen before your friends knew you were together...what about the time you finally spit out "I love you" after trying to hold it in for days because you know it but are afraid to say it too soon...  Simple joy.  Why can't life be full of that all the time?

At last my love has come along, my lonely days are over...and life is like a song

So my message to you all tonight: life IS like a song sometimes, just make sure you're listening to the right station.  I'm gonna try harder to stay out of my own way,  to not limit my own happiness because I think I don't deserve it because I haven't done A, B, or C.  You don't need A, B and C before you can be happy, being happy fuels your path to A, B, and C.  I'm gonna enjoy it. You should all try it too :)

My romance doesn't need a castle rising in Spain

Nor a dance to a constantly surprising refrain

Wide awake I can make my most fantastic dreams come true

My romance doesn't need a thing but you...

Milestone #7: 525,600 Minutes

It's here! as of today there is exactly one more year of Jordan's mission!

I'm not gonna lie here: this is a REALLY weird thing to think about.  I'm excited because its half way...but then I'm SUPER depressed because its...HALF way.  Still, I can recognize that it is a good thing, and everyone...seriously EVERYONE keeps telling me that the second  year goes faster than the first.  Which starts off sounding awesome, but then I think: "shoot! I'm totally not ready for him to come back yet! I'm still a horrible person with a fat fatty problem!" ;)

Seriously though, it feels good.  Starting tomorrow there wont be another October 12th that I wont be able to at least talk to him if I really want to.  And I really want to. So here is to one more year...maybe I'll finally get my (big) butt in gear :P

For the Sake of Updating

Today is the 333rd day of Jordan's mission, that means 401 days left...32 til the coveted half-way mark.

And I've surprised even myself by still being ridiculously in love. No seriously.  It's ridiculous. Makes no sense whatsoever.

That being said, I'm still nowhere near a lot of my goals.  My scripture reading is going well, I'm paying all except one bill, and I can cook every day if I wanted to (I'm still working on the wanting to part). My savings account hasn't fully recovered from Europe yet, but I think that is allowed since I promptly moved out. I have graduated and I even received my official diploma in the mail a few days ago.  I need a better job, for sure.  One that will give me benefits.  Don't even get me started on where I SHOULD be physically because I'm pretty sure it would just depress me to think about it.... But here's the thing: for the most part I'm pretty dang happy.  I have my days, yes. But I have the best friends I've ever had and they take care of me, love me, and support me better than any other group ever has.  I love them like family at this point, and though I can't see into the future, I really think these people will be with me for the rest of my life. *aw misty eyed sniffles*

I'm still in shock as to how quickly things change, but so far this whole moving out and becoming my own person has worked out extremely well for me, with the exception of finding a new job that will actually put my degree to use.

So whats next on the agenda?

• Taking the CHES (Certified Health Education Specialist) Exam in October so I can be: 

 Chantal Morgan, CHES

Looks pretty awesome, eh?

• Trying out for "Dance Your Ass Off" in LA on November 21st...oh yeah, I'm doing it, and I'm gonna ROCK it.
• Actually working out. (For serious this time guys)

• Plan my next fabulous vacation...I'm thinking something much less expensive this time though

So stay tuned...It's gonna be an awesome ride

I mean, "men are that they might have joy..." right? Right.

Milestone #6: And the times they are a changin'

Welcome to grown-up land! It's terrifying.

I will be moving out in a couple months.  My Mother is still in a little bit of denial about this which makes it a little hard, but I know it is time for me to grow up a little.  

I graduated College

I went on an amazing two week adventure through Western Europe (post coming soon)

I am now looking for a true career with benefits, not just a job

And I'm sharing a bed with my Mother. 

One of these things is not like the other...

I know it's not the smartest thing financially, but at a certain point we all have to take a step into the scary and make a place for ourselves.  I do not want to be 30 and still living at home, having never left (with or without my husband).  If I fail at this, I'm going down swinging.  A life of having things handed to me and the way manicured and prepared before me has never been my destiny, I know this.  The Lord hasn't told me "no" when I ask him, so I'm going for it.  

Besides all this, I will get married eventually (*fingers crossed*) and I can only learn good skills by doing this.  Its an investment in my future.  Is it scary? yes.  Am I freaking out a little bit? yes.  

But I am excited, because it's right.

Milestone #5: Day 227

Today:

I crocheted (Kristen taught me how=))
I got a spray tan (shhhexy)
I went to Islands twice
I played with an adorable tiny ewok dog
I encouraged civil disobedience
I bought a graduation dress
I bought all last minute vacation items
Most exciting: I got a letter from Jordan!!! only 2 weeks between letters this time! Included in the envelope was an "Arizona Tucson Mission Dating Application" which was a joke, obviously, but its hilarious and I'm gonna fill it out and send it back to him anyway =)

Tomorrow:

I graduate college with a Bachelors Degree in Health Science
I have to wake up at 5:30 AM which makes me think attending the ceremony is dumb
I rush to church to still be able to hopefully fulfill my calling and turn in my tithing
I have a HUGELY GINORMOUS party at my house to celebrate
I start packing for my European Vacation, (I leave on the 25th!)
Most Exciting: Writing back and telling him about all the exciting things in my life

My priorities seem out of whack

Milestone #4: The Mother's Day Phone Call

I was there.

And I am so crazy happy about all that was said

Let's just say all doubt has been removed, and it is game on

Hearing him all super happy and talkative is the best thing I've heard in a long time.

I was also told that I have a letter in the mail, WITH PICTURES

How am I supposed to go to work in the morning when I'm still excited about what happened tonight?

Milestone #3: 200 days down...

534 to go

Yeah, I don't even know what to say about it other than that.  I just felt like I should commemorate the milestone somehow.

Even though I've given up on...well everything and just turned jaded instead.

Happy 200 days, invisible person that loved me 6 months ago.

You know what is AWESOME?

All nighters when you don't have to be anywhere the next day.

Usually the all nighter happens because you need to finish something before having to be somewhere the next day...

But sometimes it's way more fun to stay up all night talking to friends just because you can, then go to breakfast at 6 AM.

Experiences I'll treasure when I'm too old to do this 

=)

Stage 2

Anger.

Apparently those stages of grief I learned about in high school weren't just a bunch of quacks trying to make mountains out of mole hills.  Because now, almost 6 months in to Jordan's mission, I am ANGRY.  VERY ANGRY.  About what? I don't really know if I can articulate.  Could I really have been in denial (the first stage) all this time?  I guess so, somewhere between denial and depression, which I expected, but it never even occured to me to expect anger.

I'm angry that I am even in this position, I am angry that I have to do this alone, and I am angry that I can't even tell people what this is and I am angry that my own pride and reputation wont let me tell anyone that I am having a really hard time.  I am angry that I don't have a Dad to talk to and wrapped up in the injustice of my family situation even though I never was before.  I am angry that Jordan is in such a dangerous place and that I am worried sick whenever I think about it.  I am angry that I feel guilty when I don't write a letter one week, or when I flirt, because I know that I am totally allowed to do both of those things.  I am angry when another P-day has come and still no email home, and I am angry when I go to letters or texts for comfort and find none.  I'm even more angry when I go to anniversary letters and cards and read what USED to be, then look and see that it is now gone through no fault of my own...as a matter of fact I did the right thing. 

Eff that

Most of all I am angry that there is nothing I can do except cry.  I HATE crying, it solves nothing and just makes me look ugly, but it's all I can do which is freaking dumb.  I have no patience, I have no compassion.  If I am this miserable then I feel no need to make life any easier on anyone else.  I'm jealous of everyone and can't even fake empathy anymore because whatever their problem is it seems like nothing compared to what I feel and my crappy situation.  It's wrong, its really wrong, and incredibly prideful, and I know this, so when I feel myself losing control of my behavior I shut down completely in hopes of minimizing the damage I know I could cause.  I thought I'd rather be angry than sad but now I'm not so sure.  I really wish that I could run away but all money must go towards Europe so I must continue dwelling in my pitiful little hole until then. 

...Maybe I need to take yoga kickboxing or something...

Note to Self: Wall-to-Wall

Facebook Wall-to-wall is simultaneously awesome and heart wrenching.

Use with caution.

65

That is the number of days until I get on a plane and go to Europe for 2 and a half weeks.  Here is the itinerary so far...


Leave from LAX 5/25 7:40-switch in London- Arrive in Glasgow 5/26

Wednesday 5/26:

-Dinner somewhere in Glasgow.

-Go to the pub for some folk music

Thursday 5/27:

Stirling: 

- Castle

-Wallace Monument

- Doune Castle (where they shot Monty Python and Holy Grail!)

Friday 5/28:

Edinburgh:

-Castle & Royal Mile

-Rosslyn Chapel,

-Arthur's Seat

Saturday 5/29:

-St. Andrews,

-Inveraray

-more exploring in Edinburgh

Sunday 5/30:

-Glasgow's Necropolis and Botanic Gardens.

Glasgow to Paris 5/30

Flight 4:15PM-6:45PM and take shuttle into Paris

Le Village Hostel

Sunday 5/30 (If there is time, if not our hostel is IN Montmartre)

Montmartre:

-Sacre Coeur, (6-10:30, last visit at 10:15, top of dome 9-7)

-Moulin Rouge

Monday 5/31:

-L’arc de Triomphe (10AM- 11PM)

-Tour Eiffel (9:30-11, last lift to top at 10:30)

-Cimetiere du Pere Lachaise (8-6)

Tuesday 6/1 :

-Notre Dame (8-6:45)

-Latin Quarter: Pantheon (10-6) & Luxembourg Palace

-Catacombs (10-5 last admission at 4 but there can be long lines)

Wednesday 6/2:

-Versailles (open 9-6)

-Louvre (9-10 start closing at 9:30) and & Place De La Concorde (just outside the museum)

Thursday 6/3: get on Eurostar to London at 10:13AM

Paris to London 6/3

Eurostar to London at 10:13AM-11:28AM

Check with travelshop at Clink Hostel about getting tickets to a show at the West End

Thursday 6/3:

-Tower of London (9-5:30, last admission at 5)

-Big Ben

-Buckingham Palace

-St. James Park

Friday 6/4:

-London Bridge

-Day trip to Bath/Stonehenge

Saturday 6/5:

-London eye

-Madame Tussauds (buy combinded ticket save 20% on Eye Website)

-John Snow Water Pump (Corner of Broadwick St. & Ingestre Pl in Soho)

Sunday 6/6:,

-Portobello Road

-Notting Hill

-Abbey Road

-Hyde Park

Monday 6/7:

-Thames

-Globe Theater

-Natural History Museum

-Jack the Ripper Walking Tour

Tuesday 6/8: 

-Whatever looks interesting

-London Temple

Wednesday 6/9: Leave for Home from Heathrow at 4:45, Arrive at LAX 6/10 10AM

I think that covers everything...anything absolutely important that I am missing? lemme know! Paris is gonna be pretty cramped on time but I think we can do it.  We'll have time to breathe in London.

:D

Terrified

Jordan emailed home today, he was a couple days late but I wasn't entirely worried...Until I went home and checked where his address is on Google Maps... He is 4 miles away from the Mexican border.  Juarez to be exact.  You know what else google told me about El Paso/Juarez?

NOTHING GOOD, THAT'S FOR SURE!

Apparently there are two warring drug cartels who have horrendously murdered 500 people since the beginning of the year...AND their entire families.  I do not like this at all.  But WAIT , it gets better...

I turn on the TV and an episode of Medium is on...guess what it is about? Oh, that's right warring drug cartels in Mexico killing entire families in Arizona and, thats right, El Paso.  

There is no way I'm falling asleep now, I'm a wreck.

Happiness is...

People are strange...Just ask Jim Morrison, he knew it all too well.  What I am starting to realize is that, for the most part, people are a lot alike.  We have different ideas about what happiness is and therefore our motivations to get that happiness vary, but I think in studying our differences we have forgotten the thing that ties us all together: Everyone just wants to be happy.

Now I'm not going to go into the deep philosophical things that make people happy, because I believe that deep down the same things create true lasting happiness.  However, it seems that most people want to put roadblocks in front of their happiness; As if it is some sacred treasure or Grandma's fancy china that you can only use for VERY special occasions...then the whole time you use it you're having a panic attack about breaking it because you know, statistically, fancy china doesn't last forever.  Happiness has become this elusive, abstract word with a long lost meaning that no one fully understands anymore.  "When I'm 30 pounds lighter, I can be happy", "When I graduate, I can be happy",  "When I get married, I can be happy", "When I buy a house, I can be happy"....It goes on and on until you are suddenly on your death bed and realize that YOU are the only thing that has kept yourself from being happy.

We chain up our spirits and refuse to allow ourselves to experience joy because we somehow believe we don't deserve it.  The truth is that everyone deserves to be happy the way they are, without caveats or conditions.  Happiness that is contingent upon specifics and delicately balanced atop achievements and unattainable goals will never sustain itself.  Yet we do it.  All of us to some extent or another.  What is it about being happy that so terrifies the human race?  When did "Happiness" become yet another thing we impose upon ourselves as a chore, something that we have to work for and toil to get?  Yet another thing for us to fall short and feel bad about not having?  I'm not sure that is the point. I'm pretty sure that sometimes, happiness really is "finding a pencil" not "practically perfect in every way"...Though that WOULD be pretty awesome.

No One Has Blogged in Forever...

 Including me.

Mostly because I have been so dang busy doing NOTHING...Mostly because I have been feeling silly and just so small and dumb recently. So in order to remember who I am and all the things I have learned in this life I have compiled a list of what being on Earth has meant to me.

20 Truths I have learned:

1. God is perfect, and as such he will be perfectly just and perfectly dole out to me what I deserve
2. I will never fully understand WHY things happen
3. But I am in total control of HOW I react to them 
4. Time is definitely a man-made thing, not an eternal thing
5. I will always have at least one friend at any given time who will be what I need at that time
6. Miracles happen all the time
7. That I am capable of more than what I can see right in front of my face
8. No matter how ugly this patch is, the whole picture will end up beautiful
9. I am so totally NOT in control of anything
10. If I pay my tithing, I will never want for anything materially (not REALLY)
11. As compared to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ I am a dumb dumby McDumberson from Dumb-Ville so I should just listen to them already.
12. Sometimes, love for someone else is what keeps you going when nothing else can get you out of bed
13. Sometimes, happiness is a warm puppy
14. People are different...and if I want to stay a part of society, I should try to love them anyway...or at least stay away from them so I don't spew hate all over the place and everyone around me who may actually stand a chance at loving them.
15. Every experience, good or bad, has the ability to make me a better person or a worse person and it is up to me choose which.
16. The scriptures really DO have an answer for everything
17. The temple is absolutely a sacred place
18. Mental and emotional strength are just like any other muscle...in order to become stronger you have to exercise them and push them beyond what you think their limits are...often.
19. "Stressed out" and "Overwhelmed" are states of mind, not states of being.
20. I am 23.  My life isn't over yet, and really it wont ever be so I should stop counting down.

Love This Song

Hello, my name is Hope

I've lived forever

And I have made many smile

Now they have tried

To keep me silent

They've sent rain and they've sent fire

But I am strong and enduring

I am eternal

They'll never stop me from singing

I know it's hard

to believe in something

when it cannot be seen

But my name is hope

And if you're listening

Then you will hear me singing

I've held the hands of children

I give them reason to survive

I can heal the wounds of affliction

Just open your heart, let me come in

Hello, my name is Hope

I spring eternal

Hello my name is Hope

I'll help you move mountains

If you'll only believe

For with your prayers,

And Father willing,

Then we will keep on singing

World Record Letter

Well he wasn't lying.  I went to lunch a little late today on purpose so that I'd be home when the mail came.  On my way back to work there it was! A TEN PAGE letter. Front and back. Thats like 20 pages...well 19 cuz the last page is only a front side but anyway...

Turns out his companion barely even writes his weekly email home let alone actually putting pen to paper and writing someone at home which makes things difficult when you are required to be with that person 24/7

Not much else to say except I'm happy.  I have 10 (really 19) pages of happiness to peruse while I hope he figures out how to write me semi-regularly. 

P.S.  As of today: 600 more days

*Happy Dance*

Milestone #2: Spritual Awakenings...FINALLY!

I just read the Book of Mormon straight through from beginning to end for the first time.

And may I say, Moroni is a stud =)

So This Is Why I'm Putting Myself Through This

For THIS FEELING right here.

Today is Jordan's P-day and I usually get the family email forwarded to me.  Having been at the Renaissance Weekend for the past 5ish days, and since I had an AMAZING blessing from the bishop on Wednesday, I had totally forgot. I had not checked my email every 10 minutes like I usually do on Mondays and I had even forgot to be sad/depressed/angry about Valentines Day yesterday!!!  

So today, the email came.  On the subject line I got the "hello family" and then another new message.... Subject line said: "Hey can you forward this to Chantal" and right there my heart jumped back into the correct place and started beating again, I suddenly had air in my lungs and warmth back in my hands..and I hadn't even opened it yet!

Basically all it said was that he did enjoy and read all of the mail I sent him and he had been responding slowly since P-days didn't have much time for writing and he'd been writing during his meals and before bed in order to get back to me.  I should be getting a "massive" response to the last two months worth of letters in the mail soon; He is putting it in the mail today or tomorrow,

Simple, a couple smiley face emoticons, and then I remembered: 

Wow, I love this boy. 

=)

The bishop said something to me on Wednesday: "This is the kind of guy you want.  One who can give himself to the Lord entirely for these two years and love the Lord more than he loves you, which means delayed contact sometimes." I'll take that.  I DO think it's a sign that I didn't get that e-mail until AFTER I had come to terms with it and fixed my falling apart self though.  It feels nice to breathe again.

Happy Day-After-Valentine's Day (AKA Discounted Chocolate Day) to EVERYONE!

More Love

I've been thinking a lot about what makes us all so hard on ourselves.  Especially as a Mormon gal, I have seen so many of my friends, including myself, go completely crazy and feel like terrible people over something silly.  I do this ALL THE TIME, though I very rarely will show it or talk about it.  I was talking to my internship supervisor and she said this: "This is your head. This is your heart.  It is a VERY VERY long journey from your head to your heart, but for some reason when something hits your heart it is INSTANTLY picking at your head."  The truth of this stuck with me.  I can try my very best to logic my way out of feeling things, but it never works.  The messenger just never seems to make it to my heart to deliver the message that my brain is the one making sense here.  Then, the second something gets in there and changes how I feel or I get that little pin prick of paranoia or anxiety or pain straight to the heart...BOOM there goes my head a mile a minute thinking of all the horrible things I can possibly think about myself.  I can only assume that the messenger from my brain is morbidly obese and riding a midget, while the messenger from my heart is 4 feet, 80 pounds, and riding a cheetah.  I am a horrible person to myself sometimes, as if I WANT to make myself feel horrible, as if I think I deserve it...and I know that I am not alone in this unexplainable weirdness.

During church on Sunday I got these thoughts, and they had nothing to do with what was being said, so i payed attention to the lesson I was being taught.  Think about the person you love more than anything. Got it?  Now think about how you want them to be awesome, how much potential they have, the dreams you have of them being happy and full of life and eventually being perfect.  Now...think of how much it hurts you, and maybe even angers you when someone else comes along and talks trash on them, or makes them feel bad about themselves.  Think of a time when that person you love more than anything allowed someone to get into their head and bring them down to their lowest points.  Feel that? Feel how much that SUCKS?  I can only imagine what our Heavenly Father and Elder Brother feel when we bring ourselves down.  Can you imagine how sad they are when we spend days upon days trashing ourselves, telling ourselves we aren't important, or saying that we'll never be anything greater than this?  It must hurt them infinitely more because they know EXACTLY how amazing and divine we are, EXACTLY what our potential is and EXACTLY what we are capable of if we just let ourselves BE that amazing person without dragging around all that baggage that just doesn't matter.

So I am making this commitment to myself, and its real since it is in writing. I am going to love myself regardless of what my own heart/head tries to tell me, and let other people (including divine people) love me.  If my Heavenly Father loves me as much as he does in my imperfect state (which I know he does, just like I know he loves ALL of us) why would I throw that love back in his face and say "No, I don't want that from you, and I don't believe you when you say I'm worth it" when all he wants to do is love me infinitely, more than anyone on this Earth can.  Isn't that really all we all need in order to keep going sometimes, more love?

Note to Self: Normalcy does not always have to equal happiness

I realized that after these past few weeks of depression and anxiety...and then the subsequent freak out about acting crazy...  Ebbs and flows of happiness and rotten-ness are a normal part of being human.  Freaking out about it only makes it worse and lengthens the gloominess by giving you something else to feel rotten about.  Besides, what is being "normal" anyway?  Jordan still hasn't written me.  And it is ok.  I was in the temple and I realized how selfish I was being in being offended.  This time isn't about me at all.  Yeah, that SUCKED to realize but it also sorta helps.  I got a glimpse of how Jordan is feeling I guess.  I know how he is, so focused about something far more important than this, its not that he isn't thinking of me or has stopped caring for me...I'm just not a priority right this second...youchies.

This is ok. I'll be ok.

Counting to 10...

Hold On

Ann M. Dibb
Second Counselor in the Young Women General Presidency
Heavenly Father has not left us alone during our mortal probation. He has already given us all the “safety equipment” we will need to successfully return to Him.
A number of years ago, a one-inch article in my local newspaper caught my attention, and I have remembered it ever since: “Four people were killed and seven workers were rescued after clinging for more than an hour to the underside of a 125-foot-high [38-m] bridge in St. Catharines, Ontario, [Canada,] after the scaffolding they were working on collapsed” (“News Capsules,” Deseret News, June 9, 1993, A2).
I was, and I continue to be, fascinated by this brief story. Shortly after reading this account, I called a family friend who lived in St. Catharines. She explained that the workers had been painting the Garden City Skyway bridge for about a year and were two weeks short of completing the project when the accident happened. After the accident, officials were asked why these men did not have any safety equipment. The answer was simple: they had the equipment; they just chose not to wear it. After the scaffolding gave way, the survivors held on to a one-inch (2.5-cm) lip of steel girder and stood on an eight-inch (20-cm) ledge of steel for over an hour until rescue teams could reach them. One survivor related that as he clung to the bridge, he thought a lot about his family. He said, “I just thank the Lord for me being here today. . . . It was pretty scary, I tell you” (in Rick Bogacz, “Skyway Horror,” Standard, June 9, 1993).
There are many lessons to be learned and comparisons to be made from this incident. While most of us will never face such a dramatic, life-or-death situation, many of us feel that we are going through a scary time in our personal lives.
We may feel as though we are holding on to what may seem to be a one-inch lip of steel girder. Our mortal probation is not easy, and it is not brief. We are blessed to come to this earth and gain a mortal body. This life is our opportunity to prove ourselves and exercise our agency (see Abraham 3:25). We can choose to follow Heavenly Father’s eternal plan of salvation (see Jarom 1:2; Alma 42:5; Moses 6:62) and redemption (see Jacob 6:8; Alma 12:25; 42:11), or we can try to find our own way. We can be obedient and keep His commandments, or we can reject them and face the consequences that will surely follow.
Because of this, we too have a hazardous job description and duty. We must deal with challenges. We may experience loneliness, strained relationships, betrayal of trust, temptations, addictions, limitations of our physical body, or the loss of much-needed employment. We may be challenged with feelings of disappointment because our righteous hopes and dreams have not been met in our personal timetable. We may question our abilities and fear the possibility of failure, even in our Church and family callings. The challenges and the dangers we live with today, including society’s tolerance of sin, have been prophesied by ancient and living prophets. These are just as precarious and real as the threat of falling 125 feet (38 m) to certain death from a high bridge.
My life is not perfect. I deal with many of the same challenges. We all do. I know that the temptations of the adversary and the difficulties of mortality are ever present and beset each of us. I concur with the rescued worker’s expression of his dangerous experience of holding on to that steel girder: “It [is] pretty scary, I tell you.”
It is important to note, however, that in the scriptures there are very few stories of individuals who lived in blissful happiness and experienced no opposition. We learn and grow by overcoming challenges with faith, persistence, and personal righteousness. I’ve been strengthened by President Thomas S. Monson’s endless confidence in our Heavenly Father and in us. He has said: “Remember that you are entitled to our [Heavenly] Father’s blessings in this work. He did not call you to your privileged post to walk alone, without guidance, trusting to luck. On the contrary, He knows your skill, He realizes your devotion, and He will convert your supposed inadequacies to recognized strengths. He has promised: ‘I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up’ ” (“Sugar Beets and the Worth of a Soul,” Liahona, July 2009, 3–4; Ensign, July 2009, 5–6).
Heavenly Father has not left us alone during our mortal probation. He has already given us all the “safety equipment” we will need to successfully return to Him. He has given us personal prayer, the scriptures, living prophets, and the Holy Ghost to guide us. At times, using this equipment may seem cumbersome, awkward, and horribly unfashionable. Its proper use requires our diligence, obedience, and persistence. But I, for one, choose to use it. We must all choose to use it.
In the scriptures we learn about another key piece of safety equipment­—a “rod of iron.” Disciples of our Savior, Jesus Christ, are invited to hold on to this rod in order to safely find their way to eternal life. I am speaking of Lehi’s vision of the tree of life found in the Book of Mormon.
Through divine personal revelation, the Book of Mormon prophet Lehi and his son Nephi were each shown a vision of our mortal probationary state and its accompanying dangers. Lehi says, “And it came to pass that there arose a mist of darkness; yea, even an exceedingly great mist of darkness, insomuch that they who had commenced in the path did lose their way, that they wandered off and were lost” (1 Nephi 8:23). Yet “he [also] saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to [that] rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree,” meaning the tree of life (1 Nephi 8:30).
From Lehi’s vision we learn that we must take hold of this safety railing—this iron rod, found alongside our individual straight and narrow path—and hold tight until we reach our ultimate goal of eternal life with our Heavenly Father. Nephi promises that those who hold fast to the iron rod “would never perish; neither could the temptations and the fiery darts of the adversary overpower them unto blindness, to lead them away to destruction” (1 Nephi 15:24).
I invite you to read again the full accounts of this inspired vision. Study them, ponder them, and apply them to your daily life. In modern terms we might say we are invited to “get a grip.” We must hold on tight to the iron rod and never let go.
President Harold B. Lee, the prophet when I was a teenager, taught, “If there is any one thing most needed in this time of tumult and frustration, when men and women and youth and young adults are desperately seeking for answers to the problems which afflict mankind, it is an ‘iron rod’ as a safe guide along the straight path on the way to eternal life, amidst the strange and devious roadways that would eventually lead to destruction and to the ruin of all that is ‘virtuous, lovely, or of good report’ ” (“The Iron Rod,” Ensign, June 1971, 7).
This quote was relevant when I was a teenager, and it is perhaps even more relevant today. Prophets’ words warn, teach, and encourage truth, whether they’re spoken in 600 B.C., 1971, or 2009. I encourage you to listen to, believe in, and act upon the inspired words of those we sustain as prophets, seers, and revelators.
Holding to the iron rod is not always easy. We may let go because of peer pressure or pride, thinking we can find our own way back—later. When we do so, we are leaving our safety equipment behind. In Lehi’s vision he saw many who let go of the iron rod. Nephi says, “And many were lost from his view, wandering in strange roads” (1 Nephi 8:32). In difficult times in our own lives, we may find we are also “wandering in strange roads.” Let me reassure you that it is always possible for us to find our way back. Through repentance, made possible by the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, Jesus Christ, we can regain and recommit to a strong grip on the iron rod and feel the loving guidance of our Heavenly Father once again. The Savior has extended an open invitation to us: repent, hold on, and don’t let go.
I, like Nephi, exhort you with all the energies of my soul that you will “give heed to the word of God and remember to keep his commandments always in all things” (1 Nephi 15:25). Use the safety equipment He has provided for you. Hold fast, and believe that Heavenly Father will bless you for your diligence.
I know the restored gospel is true, and I know we are led by a living prophet of God, President Thomas S. Monson. It is my great privilege and blessing to be his daughter. I love my parents dearly.
One evening I was feeling a bit discouraged and said, “Oh, Dad, the blessings we experience as members of the Church and the promised blessings of the temple are so good, if we will only reach out and choose to accept them.” He responded without hesitation, “Ann, they are everything.”
May we hold on to the eternal truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ because they are literally everything is my sincere prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Aaaaaaaand.....

That does it.  I'm officially depressed.

I feel dumb for wishing and even dumber for believing.

I had an awesome day, and a glimpse into my future career and it looks so exciting.

But I couldn't even really enjoy it.

It's like he has left all over again.

Constantly on the verge of tears, feeling weak, defeated, and sullen.

It's my blog, I'm allowed to whine. I don't do it in real life so I'm going to do it here.

I mean seriously, not even a note in almost 2 months now?

Send me an effing post card.

I want to be angry, but I can't be angry because that would be selfish.

I can't be sad because that would be prideful.

I can't be anxious because that would be impatience.

I can only be happy.  That is the only emotion I am allowed to feel.

I can only be happy, when all I want is to kick and scream and cry and demand answers.

But I can't, because that would be childish.

I don't want to be happy.

Note to self: Past Texts

Do not, in a fit of missing him and bittersweet nostalgia, go to your iPhone which saves every text you've EVER gotten and go into his name.

Re-reading the conversations from the last few days before he left will only cause muffled sobs into your pillow.

Lesson learned. Moving on.

emotional breakdown in 3....2....

Dark Side: 

I am stupid and counted weeks wrong, today is transfer day which messes up mail and he will be getting his birthday package late.

Now a month and a half since the last letter, maybe I shouldn't send it at all and make the brownies myself...

Mean people suck. "I hear fat whores are cheap in Cypress"..."At least I'm not 350 pounds and waiting for a boy that probably wont even want me in 2 years."  If I weren't trying to be more Christ-like....that boy would have been emotionally scarred for life.  Instead I have to take it, and stew, and cry that maybe he is right.  (not about the 350 pounds, I happen to KNOW for a fact that I am not 350 pounds).

Bright Side:

 I got the internship I wanted.  I start Wednesday the 27th.

My life is starting to seem a little off-balance

1...0...

Note to self: Facebook

Do NOT look up his ex girlfriends on Facebook...especially if they are about 293847298374298374923874 times hotter than you.

Ugh. What a day ruiner.

The more time goes on since he left, the more I am entirely convinced that the year we were together was a giant fluke.  He is amazing and I am ridiculously lacking... How could he stand to be with me for over a year?  Now he is out there getting even MORE amazing and I'm still sitting here.

A few days before he left I jokingly said "Its ok, I know you are just going on a mission so that you can break up with me." I think I may not have been joking so much as wanting him to prove me wrong...instead he was just slightly insulted and logically pointed out that even the worst relationship on earth would be easier than serving a mission...thanks...haha.

I'm all full of icky feelings again, I haven't gotten a letter in a month now and I'm so worried that he might not want to hear from me at all.  I must purge myself of these before I have another emotional breakdown, those are so inconvenient.

Writer's Block

I am trying to write Jordan's weekly letter, and I have plenty to tell him, but I can't remember any of it!!  So maybe blogging will chip away at the writer's block in my brain.

I think I miss performing.  I'm getting crazier and crazier in my personal life and I think I'm just acting out for the reactions.  It has been so long since I've been in front of an audience or on a stage or under those blinding bright lights.  Strangely enough I have a sizable amount of stage fright, however the rush of the performance and the fulfillment of applause led me to be a dancer for 10 years.  After that I was in choir through all of middle school and high school.  I also was in color guard for 3 years.  I've been in several plays and countless dance shows, and I realized today that I really haven't been a part of a performance since high school.  Could this be the reason behind my constant antsy behavior and ADD like brain waves? It wouldn't surprise me.

I tried looking around for things I could join or even just be a small part of, but the sucky part about being a grown up is that there are barely enough hours in the day to do the things you NEED to do, let alone time to do the things you WANT to do.  

So I pose this question to the masses: How do YOU find time to do the things you love?

And now for a selfish moment

I miss having someone tell me I'm beautiful

That is all

Time: The Ultimate Cursed Treasure

Time is a funny thing.  We are either waiting on it to pass, trying desperately to hang on to what has come and gone, or trying to slow down the inevitable. I am simultaneously doing all of these things for different aspects of my life, and I do not think that mine is a singular experience.  While I am grateful for the time I have been given, as I have a lot to accomplish, I would rather hit the fast forward button sometimes.  However, other times I would rather go back and the rewind button would be the most attractive. I want more time, but I would like to be able to pick and choose where that time would go.

I look at pictures from last Christmas and New Year's time and I can't believe it has been a year already, it all seems like it just happened, and that it happened forever ago.Sometimes I can't believe this last year has even really happened.  It is all so surreal: finishing up classes, wisdom teeth, cancer, and kidney stones.  Travels, goals, and learning discipline.  Crushing, dating, falling in love, staying in love, saying good bye to love so that other people can have the chance to feel the amazing powers of the gospel...and SO many tears...how could all that have happened already? Now here we are, at a screeching halt. Waiting.  Waiting for interviews, for exercise to take its effect, for paperwork, for doctors appointments, for every precious letter, for dreams to come true, for good days to come, and for the hard days to pass.  My Patriarchal Blessing says specifically that I must be patient, so I'll be patient.

You're move.

My Latest Addiction

If anyone is not familiar with HowStuffWorks.com you should make yourself familiar with it.  That website is the most entertaining thing on the whole internets and it isn't even a time-sucker because you are LEARNING INTERESTING STUFF!  I realize that statement makes me a ridiculously annoying nerd, but it is true.

The best part is the "Stuff You Missed In History Class" Podcast HERE.  I am in the throws of an all out addiction.  I downloaded like 80 of them and have been listening to them off and on non stop for the past week.  They recommend books on the subjects you are interested and tell you, as you would expect, the stuff your history class never told you.  Genius. Give me more please.  I have learned tons in a very little amount of time.  I wish I had this podcast when I took my AP history exam.

HUGELY GIGANTIMOUS NEWS!

In Biggest News:
Christmas came, it was wonderful.  ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE I GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY MY PLANE TICKET TO EUROPE!!!!  Yup, thats right everyone, I am on my way!  Last week I almost completely emptied my bank account and bought myself plane tickets.  On May 25th at 7:50 at night I fly out to London switch planes, and head to Glasgow!  I will meet Marisa there and we will have an exceptional 2 weeks gallivanting through the UK and eventually hit Paris.  It will be astounding, superb, and all those other words that mean "effing awesome".  Now I just need to save up the money to pay for lodgings and food and other necessities like transport and souvenirs.  I'm actually not that worried about it because now the heat is on, I have to save up the money.

In other important, but not as fun/exciting news: 
Still waiting on word from...well ANYONE about getting an internship, I sent in a bunch of applications right before Christmas but I still haven't gotten any feedback.  I am absolutely terrified that I won't be able to find a place to take me, I wanted to already be started by now!  So please, everyone, pray for my internship and by extension my entire academic future....PLEASE!


In Jordan news:

      look how cute!

This is at the MTC, with a family friend that happened to be there at the same time. 

I'm not gonna lie, my insides still ache most of the time, and especially when I think about how much longer there is, but I sent him one of our old digital cameras for Christmas so hopefully we will be getting more pictures.  They somehow make me feel better.  I like to think of it this way: only one more holiday season to go!

Life Crisis Cut

So on Christmas Eve I chopped off all of my hair

Look at all that! I think it was about 6-7 inches

This is the end result:

I really like it.  It takes me 10 minutes flat to go from "wet just out of the shower" to "all done!"  I told Jordan in my last letter and he is now extremely worried that I have made myself look ridiculous.  Like most boys  he subscribes to the belief that short hair on girls looks weird or androgynously creepy.  I think I'll have to send him some pictures to prove that is in entirely possible to have short hair and still look like a totally attractive female.