Sunday, March 27, 2011

Writing A Missionary is Delicate Business

What I want to say: " PLEASE COME HOME RIGHT NOW.  I NEED YOU. My brain, soul, and heart broke the day you left and I haven't been the same ever since.  I've gotten better, I've learned how to cope, most people may even consider this as being "normal" but I do not feel normal."

What I say: "I am doing OK, just working and hanging out with friends like always.  How are you?

What I want to say: "Some nights I wake up in a panic because I have dreams that make me think that I'll never be good enough for you.  Actually, I KNOW I'll never be good enough for you and I'm terrified that you're going to come back in 6 months and know that about me too."

What I say: "Haven't been getting much sleep, but hey, life goes on right? :)"

What I want to say: "It's been a year and a half and still when things get bad, when I need someone to care or someone to just let me cry, when I've had a bad day, when I need a distraction, even if I just want to be lazy and do nothing WITH someone it's you I want to talk to or see or hug or just be around and it kills me.  I miss someone else knowing exactly what I've been through that day because they were getting the text message play by play.  I miss not having to explain my feelings because you just know.  I miss having someone who doesn't NEED to understand they just need to be there.  I've never missed a voice as much as I miss yours."

What I say: "It'll be great to be able to talk to you like a normal person again some day."

What I want to say: "I am glad that you chose to do this, but I effing HATE this.  I hate that you're 8 hours away but you might as well be on the moon.  I hate that I forget how I feel about you some days because it gets hard and then I have to remember and feel guilty about forgetting even though you're the one who isn't here. I hate that I'm single but I'm not.  I hate that I can't even blame you for that, because it's my choice even though in my heart I feel like you did this to me when you made me fall for you.  I hate that no one says good morning or good night to me.  I hate having to learn patience.  I hate all the time that has to go by before I get any sort of hope.  I hate that this is just how it is going to be and I am supposed to accept that. I hate that I hate all this.  Most of all I hate how I can't tell you any of this.  I don't want to make you trunkie, that's true, but also because even if I did tell you then you'd just tell me to stop doing it if I hate it so much, and that's even more annoying because you're technically right.  But what else am I supposed to do?"

What I say: "I'm gad you like the package.  Your companion seems like a good guy, and it is good to hear that you're having such good luck out there.  You're amazing, I'm so happy for you!!! :)"


Unknown Diagnosis

This has been a strange week.  I've been distracted, totally unconcerned with anything (in a bad way), and I'm pretty sure I'm losing my ability to be excited about anything anymore.  Here is a list of my symptoms:

1. Insomnia (10 hours of sleep a week is not enough)
2. Antsy (can't sit still, even when not sitting still I still feel like I need out of my skin.)
3. Feeling Like I Need Out Of My Skin (That's not OK, it is there for a reason)
4. Nightmares For The Brief Moments I Am Sleeping (Miss my REM cycles!)
5. Feeling Worthless
6. Feeling Hopeless
7. Feeling Lonely (the "in a crowded room" kind of feeling lonely)
8. Spending An Entire Day In Bed
9. Reaching Out To People/Things That I KNOW Will Not Help Me
10. Apathy (Worse than regular apathy...the stuff that even I used to care about I suddenly don't anymore)

Someone diagnose me and give me a pill so I can go back to feeling like myself again. Please?

Milestone #9: 199 Days Left

That means its officially LESS than 200.   Can't let that one go by.

Monday, March 7, 2011


"The Cutest Bunny In Creation"...her name is Scantron.  

How she came to live in my room is another story for another day.  Lets just say that it wasn't my idea.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Apparently, I LOVE to torture myself...

and also because it has been 515 days since I've experienced anything like this:

I Youtubed "Best Kisses"

This one was a good one. Enjoy. :-)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A Shallow Moment

Today, for the first time in a long time.  I felt UGLY.  I realize Ive never been a hot hottie.  But on a regular basis I could say that how I looked didn't drive me into a deep depression.  Then I was thinking about the girl back in October 2009 and realized that compared to her...

I'm old. Ragged. Frumpy. 

and just all together unattractive.

This isn't a weight thing.  I mean, losing a few...hundred...pounds wouldn't hurt, I'm just saying in face. uck.  I must start using moisturizer or something because this is getting bad.  I don't mind if I'm the same when Jordan get back...I just don't want to look...worse. blech.