Writing A Missionary is Delicate Business

What I want to say: " PLEASE COME HOME RIGHT NOW.  I NEED YOU. My brain, soul, and heart broke the day you left and I haven't been the same ever since.  I've gotten better, I've learned how to cope, most people may even consider this as being "normal" but I do not feel normal."

What I say: "I am doing OK, just working and hanging out with friends like always.  How are you?

What I want to say: "Some nights I wake up in a panic because I have dreams that make me think that I'll never be good enough for you.  Actually, I KNOW I'll never be good enough for you and I'm terrified that you're going to come back in 6 months and know that about me too."

What I say: "Haven't been getting much sleep, but hey, life goes on right? :)"

What I want to say: "It's been a year and a half and still when things get bad, when I need someone to care or someone to just let me cry, when I've had a bad day, when I need a distraction, even if I just want to be lazy and do nothing WITH someone it's you I want to talk to or see or hug or just be around and it kills me.  I miss someone else knowing exactly what I've been through that day because they were getting the text message play by play.  I miss not having to explain my feelings because you just know.  I miss having someone who doesn't NEED to understand they just need to be there.  I've never missed a voice as much as I miss yours."

What I say: "It'll be great to be able to talk to you like a normal person again some day."

What I want to say: "I am glad that you chose to do this, but I effing HATE this.  I hate that you're 8 hours away but you might as well be on the moon.  I hate that I forget how I feel about you some days because it gets hard and then I have to remember and feel guilty about forgetting even though you're the one who isn't here. I hate that I'm single but I'm not.  I hate that I can't even blame you for that, because it's my choice even though in my heart I feel like you did this to me when you made me fall for you.  I hate that no one says good morning or good night to me.  I hate having to learn patience.  I hate all the time that has to go by before I get any sort of hope.  I hate that this is just how it is going to be and I am supposed to accept that. I hate that I hate all this.  Most of all I hate how I can't tell you any of this.  I don't want to make you trunkie, that's true, but also because even if I did tell you then you'd just tell me to stop doing it if I hate it so much, and that's even more annoying because you're technically right.  But what else am I supposed to do?"

What I say: "I'm gad you like the package.  Your companion seems like a good guy, and it is good to hear that you're having such good luck out there.  You're amazing, I'm so happy for you!!! :)"