Sunday, March 27, 2011

Writing A Missionary is Delicate Business

What I want to say: " PLEASE COME HOME RIGHT NOW.  I NEED YOU. My brain, soul, and heart broke the day you left and I haven't been the same ever since.  I've gotten better, I've learned how to cope, most people may even consider this as being "normal" but I do not feel normal."

What I say: "I am doing OK, just working and hanging out with friends like always.  How are you?

What I want to say: "Some nights I wake up in a panic because I have dreams that make me think that I'll never be good enough for you.  Actually, I KNOW I'll never be good enough for you and I'm terrified that you're going to come back in 6 months and know that about me too."

What I say: "Haven't been getting much sleep, but hey, life goes on right? :)"

What I want to say: "It's been a year and a half and still when things get bad, when I need someone to care or someone to just let me cry, when I've had a bad day, when I need a distraction, even if I just want to be lazy and do nothing WITH someone it's you I want to talk to or see or hug or just be around and it kills me.  I miss someone else knowing exactly what I've been through that day because they were getting the text message play by play.  I miss not having to explain my feelings because you just know.  I miss having someone who doesn't NEED to understand they just need to be there.  I've never missed a voice as much as I miss yours."

What I say: "It'll be great to be able to talk to you like a normal person again some day."

What I want to say: "I am glad that you chose to do this, but I effing HATE this.  I hate that you're 8 hours away but you might as well be on the moon.  I hate that I forget how I feel about you some days because it gets hard and then I have to remember and feel guilty about forgetting even though you're the one who isn't here. I hate that I'm single but I'm not.  I hate that I can't even blame you for that, because it's my choice even though in my heart I feel like you did this to me when you made me fall for you.  I hate that no one says good morning or good night to me.  I hate having to learn patience.  I hate all the time that has to go by before I get any sort of hope.  I hate that this is just how it is going to be and I am supposed to accept that. I hate that I hate all this.  Most of all I hate how I can't tell you any of this.  I don't want to make you trunkie, that's true, but also because even if I did tell you then you'd just tell me to stop doing it if I hate it so much, and that's even more annoying because you're technically right.  But what else am I supposed to do?"

What I say: "I'm gad you like the package.  Your companion seems like a good guy, and it is good to hear that you're having such good luck out there.  You're amazing, I'm so happy for you!!! :)"


 

3 comments:

Jessica-MKZ said...

Wish there was a "like" button on this thing... This is EXACTLY how I feel. ALL. THE. TIME.

The Westbrooks said...

This is why you have a blog. So you have somewhere to vent without affecting Jordan's work. I'm sure Heavenly Father blesses you for letting your steam out in appropriate places rather than bogging his missionaries down and making them less effective.

I know that I have no words of consolidation for you, but having had a fiance on the other side of the planet for 8 months while i'm trying to fight the in-laws and plan a wedding, I can say that I empathize with you.

This too shall pass!! Think of it this way: high school was 4 years long, and now it seems like a short time. You've got SIX months left! You can make it! :)

Chantal said...

Thanks Jackie!

I was actually just thinking about how he is going to come home and I'm going to have to hide this blog from him so he doesnt see how crazy I've been acting for these 2 years...as far as he knows I'm totally fine! haha.

only 6 months is awesome but at the same time I think I'm MORE terrified of him coming home than anything else at this point. Such a weird feeling.

Thanks for the support! :)