Stage 2

Anger.

Apparently those stages of grief I learned about in high school weren't just a bunch of quacks trying to make mountains out of mole hills.  Because now, almost 6 months in to Jordan's mission, I am ANGRY.  VERY ANGRY.  About what? I don't really know if I can articulate.  Could I really have been in denial (the first stage) all this time?  I guess so, somewhere between denial and depression, which I expected, but it never even occured to me to expect anger.

I'm angry that I am even in this position, I am angry that I have to do this alone, and I am angry that I can't even tell people what this is and I am angry that my own pride and reputation wont let me tell anyone that I am having a really hard time.  I am angry that I don't have a Dad to talk to and wrapped up in the injustice of my family situation even though I never was before.  I am angry that Jordan is in such a dangerous place and that I am worried sick whenever I think about it.  I am angry that I feel guilty when I don't write a letter one week, or when I flirt, because I know that I am totally allowed to do both of those things.  I am angry when another P-day has come and still no email home, and I am angry when I go to letters or texts for comfort and find none.  I'm even more angry when I go to anniversary letters and cards and read what USED to be, then look and see that it is now gone through no fault of my own...as a matter of fact I did the right thing. 

Eff that

Most of all I am angry that there is nothing I can do except cry.  I HATE crying, it solves nothing and just makes me look ugly, but it's all I can do which is freaking dumb.  I have no patience, I have no compassion.  If I am this miserable then I feel no need to make life any easier on anyone else.  I'm jealous of everyone and can't even fake empathy anymore because whatever their problem is it seems like nothing compared to what I feel and my crappy situation.  It's wrong, its really wrong, and incredibly prideful, and I know this, so when I feel myself losing control of my behavior I shut down completely in hopes of minimizing the damage I know I could cause.  I thought I'd rather be angry than sad but now I'm not so sure.  I really wish that I could run away but all money must go towards Europe so I must continue dwelling in my pitiful little hole until then. 

...Maybe I need to take yoga kickboxing or something...

Note to Self: Wall-to-Wall

Facebook Wall-to-wall is simultaneously awesome and heart wrenching.

Use with caution.

65

That is the number of days until I get on a plane and go to Europe for 2 and a half weeks.  Here is the itinerary so far...


Leave from LAX 5/25 7:40-switch in London- Arrive in Glasgow 5/26

Wednesday 5/26:

-Dinner somewhere in Glasgow.

-Go to the pub for some folk music

Thursday 5/27:

Stirling: 

- Castle

-Wallace Monument

- Doune Castle (where they shot Monty Python and Holy Grail!)

Friday 5/28:

Edinburgh:

-Castle & Royal Mile

-Rosslyn Chapel,

-Arthur's Seat

Saturday 5/29:

-St. Andrews,

-Inveraray

-more exploring in Edinburgh

Sunday 5/30:

-Glasgow's Necropolis and Botanic Gardens.

Glasgow to Paris 5/30

Flight 4:15PM-6:45PM and take shuttle into Paris

Le Village Hostel

Sunday 5/30 (If there is time, if not our hostel is IN Montmartre)

Montmartre:

-Sacre Coeur, (6-10:30, last visit at 10:15, top of dome 9-7)

-Moulin Rouge

Monday 5/31:

-L’arc de Triomphe (10AM- 11PM)

-Tour Eiffel (9:30-11, last lift to top at 10:30)

-Cimetiere du Pere Lachaise (8-6)

Tuesday 6/1 :

-Notre Dame (8-6:45)

-Latin Quarter: Pantheon (10-6) & Luxembourg Palace

-Catacombs (10-5 last admission at 4 but there can be long lines)

Wednesday 6/2:

-Versailles (open 9-6)

-Louvre (9-10 start closing at 9:30) and & Place De La Concorde (just outside the museum)

Thursday 6/3: get on Eurostar to London at 10:13AM

Paris to London 6/3

Eurostar to London at 10:13AM-11:28AM

Check with travelshop at Clink Hostel about getting tickets to a show at the West End

Thursday 6/3:

-Tower of London (9-5:30, last admission at 5)

-Big Ben

-Buckingham Palace

-St. James Park

Friday 6/4:

-London Bridge

-Day trip to Bath/Stonehenge

Saturday 6/5:

-London eye

-Madame Tussauds (buy combinded ticket save 20% on Eye Website)

-John Snow Water Pump (Corner of Broadwick St. & Ingestre Pl in Soho)

Sunday 6/6:,

-Portobello Road

-Notting Hill

-Abbey Road

-Hyde Park

Monday 6/7:

-Thames

-Globe Theater

-Natural History Museum

-Jack the Ripper Walking Tour

Tuesday 6/8: 

-Whatever looks interesting

-London Temple

Wednesday 6/9: Leave for Home from Heathrow at 4:45, Arrive at LAX 6/10 10AM

I think that covers everything...anything absolutely important that I am missing? lemme know! Paris is gonna be pretty cramped on time but I think we can do it.  We'll have time to breathe in London.

:D

Terrified

Jordan emailed home today, he was a couple days late but I wasn't entirely worried...Until I went home and checked where his address is on Google Maps... He is 4 miles away from the Mexican border.  Juarez to be exact.  You know what else google told me about El Paso/Juarez?

NOTHING GOOD, THAT'S FOR SURE!

Apparently there are two warring drug cartels who have horrendously murdered 500 people since the beginning of the year...AND their entire families.  I do not like this at all.  But WAIT , it gets better...

I turn on the TV and an episode of Medium is on...guess what it is about? Oh, that's right warring drug cartels in Mexico killing entire families in Arizona and, thats right, El Paso.  

There is no way I'm falling asleep now, I'm a wreck.

Happiness is...

People are strange...Just ask Jim Morrison, he knew it all too well.  What I am starting to realize is that, for the most part, people are a lot alike.  We have different ideas about what happiness is and therefore our motivations to get that happiness vary, but I think in studying our differences we have forgotten the thing that ties us all together: Everyone just wants to be happy.

Now I'm not going to go into the deep philosophical things that make people happy, because I believe that deep down the same things create true lasting happiness.  However, it seems that most people want to put roadblocks in front of their happiness; As if it is some sacred treasure or Grandma's fancy china that you can only use for VERY special occasions...then the whole time you use it you're having a panic attack about breaking it because you know, statistically, fancy china doesn't last forever.  Happiness has become this elusive, abstract word with a long lost meaning that no one fully understands anymore.  "When I'm 30 pounds lighter, I can be happy", "When I graduate, I can be happy",  "When I get married, I can be happy", "When I buy a house, I can be happy"....It goes on and on until you are suddenly on your death bed and realize that YOU are the only thing that has kept yourself from being happy.

We chain up our spirits and refuse to allow ourselves to experience joy because we somehow believe we don't deserve it.  The truth is that everyone deserves to be happy the way they are, without caveats or conditions.  Happiness that is contingent upon specifics and delicately balanced atop achievements and unattainable goals will never sustain itself.  Yet we do it.  All of us to some extent or another.  What is it about being happy that so terrifies the human race?  When did "Happiness" become yet another thing we impose upon ourselves as a chore, something that we have to work for and toil to get?  Yet another thing for us to fall short and feel bad about not having?  I'm not sure that is the point. I'm pretty sure that sometimes, happiness really is "finding a pencil" not "practically perfect in every way"...Though that WOULD be pretty awesome.

No One Has Blogged in Forever...

 Including me.

Mostly because I have been so dang busy doing NOTHING...Mostly because I have been feeling silly and just so small and dumb recently. So in order to remember who I am and all the things I have learned in this life I have compiled a list of what being on Earth has meant to me.

20 Truths I have learned:

1. God is perfect, and as such he will be perfectly just and perfectly dole out to me what I deserve
2. I will never fully understand WHY things happen
3. But I am in total control of HOW I react to them 
4. Time is definitely a man-made thing, not an eternal thing
5. I will always have at least one friend at any given time who will be what I need at that time
6. Miracles happen all the time
7. That I am capable of more than what I can see right in front of my face
8. No matter how ugly this patch is, the whole picture will end up beautiful
9. I am so totally NOT in control of anything
10. If I pay my tithing, I will never want for anything materially (not REALLY)
11. As compared to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ I am a dumb dumby McDumberson from Dumb-Ville so I should just listen to them already.
12. Sometimes, love for someone else is what keeps you going when nothing else can get you out of bed
13. Sometimes, happiness is a warm puppy
14. People are different...and if I want to stay a part of society, I should try to love them anyway...or at least stay away from them so I don't spew hate all over the place and everyone around me who may actually stand a chance at loving them.
15. Every experience, good or bad, has the ability to make me a better person or a worse person and it is up to me choose which.
16. The scriptures really DO have an answer for everything
17. The temple is absolutely a sacred place
18. Mental and emotional strength are just like any other muscle...in order to become stronger you have to exercise them and push them beyond what you think their limits are...often.
19. "Stressed out" and "Overwhelmed" are states of mind, not states of being.
20. I am 23.  My life isn't over yet, and really it wont ever be so I should stop counting down.