Something Happy, Something Peppy, Something Snappy

Too much doom and gloom in this here blog. Time for a happy post because I really am happy.  I swear!

I have amazing friends.

Like, seriously.  I do NOT deserve these awesome people in my life.  I am so incredibly grateful for them, now that my family is gone, more than ever. 

I love "my boys" and I am thankful for being able to have the priesthood living in the next building.  That is the closest it has ever been for me. We have family scripture time and then pwn n00bs faces off (ok THEY do that, I just try to keep up) and that is totally awesome.  I love having brothers.  I love that they build me up and make me feel good about myself, but somehow make me want to be better at the same time and that I am TOTALLY OK with that. 

I love my roomie for putting up with the fact that I can't tell when something is dirty, for letting me (or encouraging me) to feel feelings without making me feel vulnerable, and for our "no judgie roomie time".  I love her for being happy even when she is not, and for being so dang beautiful that I am reminded to put on decent clothes and makeup when we go out if I don't want to be confused with a night troll while standing next to her.

I love my best friend because she is everything I am not and reminds me why I really should kinda sorta TRY to be a good person every once in a while.  I love her because she knows me well enough that I don't have to explain my weirdness, and because she makes bitchin' cupcakes.  I love her because it isn't work to hang out together or to run errands.  Also she doesn't destroy us with words when her fiance and I go off the deep end word vomiting at each other.

I love Jordan (duh.) Simply put, because I don't know where I'd be or what I'd be doing without him.  Even if the romantic relationship doesn't work out in 2.5 months, I know that he will still always be one of the best friends I've ever had.

There are at least 10 more people I can think of off the top of my head who have seriously saved my sorry butt at one time or another, but I was supposed to go to bed 2 hours ago...

Bottom Line: I am blessed more than I could ever deserve through the love and support of others.  There is no other explanation possible to me.

Le Saboteur

So I have this problem (weird right? I NEVER talk about my problems here...)  I have taken the art of self sabotage to a whole new level.  I've been thinking about a lot of complex things over the last few weeks.  Hope. Emotion. The future. Sabotage.  In doing so I've realized a lot of ugly things about myself.  Things I'd like to change but I'm honestly not too sure how I'd even start going about it.  I believe the root of it all is the fact that I have 0 hope for myself.  But that is not what this post is about.  This post is about my breakthrough that I had in my brain earlier today that I'd like to immortalize here.  Partially so I can look back and remind myself, and partially so that at least the people who read it know that I know it is a problem and I'm working on it...

I self sabotage. I self sabotage to the point where my 10 inch mole-hill of possible achievements turns into a 40 foot crater in the middle of opposite-of-goals-ville.  This is becoming more and more apparent to me as the time ticks down til Jordan gets home.  I am SO terrified about the unknown of it all that I have to restrain myself-sometimes physically- from being a complete idiot and ruining everything I've worked for.  I couldn't understand why it was suddenly so hard to just be a good person like I have been trying to be for a while now...Then I got really honest with myself and realized what the deep recesses of my psyche was feeling.  If you aren't really trying then you aren't really losing anything if it doesn't work out.  It's not failing if I didn't REALLY try, it was just something that happened, not like I care or anything because I mean I didn't even TRY.  Of course I'm not losing any weight, I'm not even REALLY trying, I'm sure if I did it would work...maybe.  But if I try my hardest and then fail anyway...well that is worse than just staying the same.  Most of all it is this: When I sabotage myself and thereby make myself completely unlovable and insure without a doubt that there is no way he'll want me...well then there is no need to wait and worry about it his decision, I took control of the situation and took away the fear of the unknown.  Seriously, how effed up is THAT? I'm starting to think I really need therapy.

Best Friend

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable.  It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, and then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you.  They didn't ask for it.  They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.  It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.  It hurts.  Not just in the imagination.  Not just in the mind.  It's a soul hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.  I hate love.

---Neil Gaiman

I love this song.

There is no video, but everyone should listen to it :)

And here are the lyrics for those too lazy to google it:


won't you let me give you a hand
i have an extra I'm not using
won't you let me lighten your load
i mean after all your legs are shaking

and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all

won't you let me match your stride
i can slow down if you want to
we can handle it side by side
what do you say girl don't you want to

and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all

I'd be lying
if i ran away
I'd be lying
if i ran another way

and so I'll stay

but won't you let me be your man
I'm strong enough you know that i can
be the one to ease your mind
ease your mind

and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is is me after all

I'd be lying
if i ran another way
I'd be lying
if i ran another way
and so I'll stay

won't you let me give you a hand
i have an extra I'm not using
won't you let me lighten your load
i mean after all your legs are shaking

and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all
[x2]

there's not much that you can do
to get me to run away from you
[x6]

I'd be lying
if i ran away
I'd be lying
if i ran another away

...ka-boom

Officially 6 months left as of today.

Thus begins my nightly panic attacks brought on by my excessive worrying.

Love Drunk

Well, its happened...only 6 months til Jordan comes home and I just couldn't wait any longer...

I couldn't help it, I tried so very hard to resist..

But I'm in love.

And I think Jordan will understand, because he knew that this man and I had a thing going on before Jordan left.  

And I'm fully back in love.

Lee Pace.  

AKA: Ned the Piemaker

As you may have guessed I have recently re-watched "Pushing Daisies" the short-lived but all together wonderful show that brought Lee Pace in to my life.  I watched it episode by episode before but somehow forgot its magic until right now.

Seriously. IN LOVE.

I mean LOOK at this man! 

He makes the most adorable faces I've ever seen.

And he has a dog!!

And yes, OBVIOUSLY I have a type...

and that type is tall, skinny, ruggedly nerdy awkwardness.  I get this. BUT check out THIS picture:

RIGHT?!?!

I mean come on...guy liner and guns? not my thing...but look how effing sexy he is.

oh the things I'd do to you Lee Pace.... you'd love every minute of it.

...i think my loneliness may finally be hitting the point where I hit the wall o' crazy

 

Emotional Decoder Ring

I have feelings.  I swear, I really do.  But for some reason there is a disconnect between my feelings inside and my outward appearance/actions/words.  This goes for good and bad feelings.  I have no problem being honest I can SAY what I feel but its probably not going to match up with all of my nonverbal signals which usually makes people think I'm lying when I'm really just a robot.  I'm not so sure where this disconnect came from.  It wasn't always this way.  I used to be able to express all kinds of feelings and emotions in my actions and behavior.  But somewhere along the way (I'm guessing around year 19) I realized that emotions make you vulnerable and easily manipulated.  I still believe this, but sometimes I do miss FEELING.  The only person who has made me feel since then is now...away...and I don't just miss him, I miss the feelings I was suddenly allowed to have.  I may have cried more in those 14 months than I had in the past 5 years but it felt good to experience what was going on inside my body...

Allow me to clarify: Sometimes I feel...something.... this something isn't fleeting or caused by any specific event, it just IS and it is my displeasure to simply deal with it. I'm not sure what it is.  It is a tightness, and anxiety building up in my chest.  An all encompassing ickiness that I can not describe, control, release or suffocate further.  Sometimes I think I must need to cry...so I try but that doesn't work.  So I think that maybe I need to laugh...after doing that I still haven't found relief.  Then I think that maybe I'm angry about something but I can't think of what it is that I should be angry at and so I have nowhere to direct my anger so any attempt at anger doesn't yield satisfaction.  Now, usually I eventually I fizzle out or get distracted enough to forget but it always comes back...However this time it is the worst it has ever been.  I feel like an explosive set to blow as soon as the fuse it lit but unfortunately I have no idea where the flame is going to come from.  If I knew what would release this pressure I think I'd pull a bomb squad move on myself and set the dang thing off in a contained and safe environment in order to prevent any civilian casualties.  But no, here I sit at 2AM (did I mention that this feeling makes relaxation and therefore comfort impossible making sleep impossible?) searching for something to either set me off or diffuse me entirely.  I'd take a lobotomy or open heart surgery at this point.  I pulled out my box of letters and cards and earrings and a dried flower hoping that a flood of memories might help, but it didn't.  I've tried several movies of the chick flick variety to no avail.  I have looked at EVERY picture I have, and reread every letter.  I'm out of ideas and my insides absolutely refuse to give up their secrets.  I can feel it, I know its there, I can even make out the carvings on the outside of the case which holds this deadly bomb...But the carvings are written in some symbolic language that just feels like jibberish to me.  So this story has no ending, because now,  at the end of this blog...

I still don't feel better and that secret code still is not broken.