Milestone #10: Holy Milestone of Milestones!

10 more days of his mission.

11 until he is home.

If that is not a milestone then I don't know what is.

So in preparation and, of course, in distraction, I have begun the process of totally gutting my room and cleaning/scrubbing/de-cluttering everything that I can....Consequently, this means that my room looks way worse than it did before I started "cleaning".  I bought decorative stuff.  It only took me a year of living here.  New blankets and sheets, new shower curtain and bath mat, threw away all those shoes under my bed that I havent worn in 3 years and now the real work of vacuuming, scrubbing, mopping, and wiping is about to begin...

And here I am, updating my blog from the living room with my bedroom door closed so I can pretend it's not a black hole of disgusting-ness. Because I'm exhausted and totally burnt out. 

...ka-boom

Officially 6 months left as of today.

Thus begins my nightly panic attacks brought on by my excessive worrying.

Writing A Missionary is Delicate Business

What I want to say: " PLEASE COME HOME RIGHT NOW.  I NEED YOU. My brain, soul, and heart broke the day you left and I haven't been the same ever since.  I've gotten better, I've learned how to cope, most people may even consider this as being "normal" but I do not feel normal."

What I say: "I am doing OK, just working and hanging out with friends like always.  How are you?

What I want to say: "Some nights I wake up in a panic because I have dreams that make me think that I'll never be good enough for you.  Actually, I KNOW I'll never be good enough for you and I'm terrified that you're going to come back in 6 months and know that about me too."

What I say: "Haven't been getting much sleep, but hey, life goes on right? :)"

What I want to say: "It's been a year and a half and still when things get bad, when I need someone to care or someone to just let me cry, when I've had a bad day, when I need a distraction, even if I just want to be lazy and do nothing WITH someone it's you I want to talk to or see or hug or just be around and it kills me.  I miss someone else knowing exactly what I've been through that day because they were getting the text message play by play.  I miss not having to explain my feelings because you just know.  I miss having someone who doesn't NEED to understand they just need to be there.  I've never missed a voice as much as I miss yours."

What I say: "It'll be great to be able to talk to you like a normal person again some day."

What I want to say: "I am glad that you chose to do this, but I effing HATE this.  I hate that you're 8 hours away but you might as well be on the moon.  I hate that I forget how I feel about you some days because it gets hard and then I have to remember and feel guilty about forgetting even though you're the one who isn't here. I hate that I'm single but I'm not.  I hate that I can't even blame you for that, because it's my choice even though in my heart I feel like you did this to me when you made me fall for you.  I hate that no one says good morning or good night to me.  I hate having to learn patience.  I hate all the time that has to go by before I get any sort of hope.  I hate that this is just how it is going to be and I am supposed to accept that. I hate that I hate all this.  Most of all I hate how I can't tell you any of this.  I don't want to make you trunkie, that's true, but also because even if I did tell you then you'd just tell me to stop doing it if I hate it so much, and that's even more annoying because you're technically right.  But what else am I supposed to do?"

What I say: "I'm gad you like the package.  Your companion seems like a good guy, and it is good to hear that you're having such good luck out there.  You're amazing, I'm so happy for you!!! :)"


 

Milestone #9: 199 Days Left

That means its officially LESS than 200.   Can't let that one go by.

Milestone #8: 250 Days Left

...yup...

Not much else to say about that but I felt like it needed to be commemorated.

<3

Milestone #7: 525,600 Minutes

It's here! as of today there is exactly one more year of Jordan's mission!

I'm not gonna lie here: this is a REALLY weird thing to think about.  I'm excited because its half way...but then I'm SUPER depressed because its...HALF way.  Still, I can recognize that it is a good thing, and everyone...seriously EVERYONE keeps telling me that the second  year goes faster than the first.  Which starts off sounding awesome, but then I think: "shoot! I'm totally not ready for him to come back yet! I'm still a horrible person with a fat fatty problem!" ;)

Seriously though, it feels good.  Starting tomorrow there wont be another October 12th that I wont be able to at least talk to him if I really want to.  And I really want to. So here is to one more year...maybe I'll finally get my (big) butt in gear :P

For the Sake of Updating

Today is the 333rd day of Jordan's mission, that means 401 days left...32 til the coveted half-way mark.

And I've surprised even myself by still being ridiculously in love. No seriously.  It's ridiculous. Makes no sense whatsoever.

That being said, I'm still nowhere near a lot of my goals.  My scripture reading is going well, I'm paying all except one bill, and I can cook every day if I wanted to (I'm still working on the wanting to part). My savings account hasn't fully recovered from Europe yet, but I think that is allowed since I promptly moved out. I have graduated and I even received my official diploma in the mail a few days ago.  I need a better job, for sure.  One that will give me benefits.  Don't even get me started on where I SHOULD be physically because I'm pretty sure it would just depress me to think about it.... But here's the thing: for the most part I'm pretty dang happy.  I have my days, yes. But I have the best friends I've ever had and they take care of me, love me, and support me better than any other group ever has.  I love them like family at this point, and though I can't see into the future, I really think these people will be with me for the rest of my life. *aw misty eyed sniffles*

I'm still in shock as to how quickly things change, but so far this whole moving out and becoming my own person has worked out extremely well for me, with the exception of finding a new job that will actually put my degree to use.

So whats next on the agenda?

• Taking the CHES (Certified Health Education Specialist) Exam in October so I can be: 

 Chantal Morgan, CHES

Looks pretty awesome, eh?

• Trying out for "Dance Your Ass Off" in LA on November 21st...oh yeah, I'm doing it, and I'm gonna ROCK it.
• Actually working out. (For serious this time guys)

• Plan my next fabulous vacation...I'm thinking something much less expensive this time though

So stay tuned...It's gonna be an awesome ride

I mean, "men are that they might have joy..." right? Right.

Milestone #5: Day 227

Today:

I crocheted (Kristen taught me how=))
I got a spray tan (shhhexy)
I went to Islands twice
I played with an adorable tiny ewok dog
I encouraged civil disobedience
I bought a graduation dress
I bought all last minute vacation items
Most exciting: I got a letter from Jordan!!! only 2 weeks between letters this time! Included in the envelope was an "Arizona Tucson Mission Dating Application" which was a joke, obviously, but its hilarious and I'm gonna fill it out and send it back to him anyway =)

Tomorrow:

I graduate college with a Bachelors Degree in Health Science
I have to wake up at 5:30 AM which makes me think attending the ceremony is dumb
I rush to church to still be able to hopefully fulfill my calling and turn in my tithing
I have a HUGELY GINORMOUS party at my house to celebrate
I start packing for my European Vacation, (I leave on the 25th!)
Most Exciting: Writing back and telling him about all the exciting things in my life

My priorities seem out of whack

Milestone #4: The Mother's Day Phone Call

I was there.

And I am so crazy happy about all that was said

Let's just say all doubt has been removed, and it is game on

Hearing him all super happy and talkative is the best thing I've heard in a long time.

I was also told that I have a letter in the mail, WITH PICTURES

How am I supposed to go to work in the morning when I'm still excited about what happened tonight?

Milestone #3: 200 days down...

534 to go

Yeah, I don't even know what to say about it other than that.  I just felt like I should commemorate the milestone somehow.

Even though I've given up on...well everything and just turned jaded instead.

Happy 200 days, invisible person that loved me 6 months ago.

Stage 2

Anger.

Apparently those stages of grief I learned about in high school weren't just a bunch of quacks trying to make mountains out of mole hills.  Because now, almost 6 months in to Jordan's mission, I am ANGRY.  VERY ANGRY.  About what? I don't really know if I can articulate.  Could I really have been in denial (the first stage) all this time?  I guess so, somewhere between denial and depression, which I expected, but it never even occured to me to expect anger.

I'm angry that I am even in this position, I am angry that I have to do this alone, and I am angry that I can't even tell people what this is and I am angry that my own pride and reputation wont let me tell anyone that I am having a really hard time.  I am angry that I don't have a Dad to talk to and wrapped up in the injustice of my family situation even though I never was before.  I am angry that Jordan is in such a dangerous place and that I am worried sick whenever I think about it.  I am angry that I feel guilty when I don't write a letter one week, or when I flirt, because I know that I am totally allowed to do both of those things.  I am angry when another P-day has come and still no email home, and I am angry when I go to letters or texts for comfort and find none.  I'm even more angry when I go to anniversary letters and cards and read what USED to be, then look and see that it is now gone through no fault of my own...as a matter of fact I did the right thing. 

Eff that

Most of all I am angry that there is nothing I can do except cry.  I HATE crying, it solves nothing and just makes me look ugly, but it's all I can do which is freaking dumb.  I have no patience, I have no compassion.  If I am this miserable then I feel no need to make life any easier on anyone else.  I'm jealous of everyone and can't even fake empathy anymore because whatever their problem is it seems like nothing compared to what I feel and my crappy situation.  It's wrong, its really wrong, and incredibly prideful, and I know this, so when I feel myself losing control of my behavior I shut down completely in hopes of minimizing the damage I know I could cause.  I thought I'd rather be angry than sad but now I'm not so sure.  I really wish that I could run away but all money must go towards Europe so I must continue dwelling in my pitiful little hole until then. 

...Maybe I need to take yoga kickboxing or something...

Note to Self: Wall-to-Wall

Facebook Wall-to-wall is simultaneously awesome and heart wrenching.

Use with caution.

Terrified

Jordan emailed home today, he was a couple days late but I wasn't entirely worried...Until I went home and checked where his address is on Google Maps... He is 4 miles away from the Mexican border.  Juarez to be exact.  You know what else google told me about El Paso/Juarez?

NOTHING GOOD, THAT'S FOR SURE!

Apparently there are two warring drug cartels who have horrendously murdered 500 people since the beginning of the year...AND their entire families.  I do not like this at all.  But WAIT , it gets better...

I turn on the TV and an episode of Medium is on...guess what it is about? Oh, that's right warring drug cartels in Mexico killing entire families in Arizona and, thats right, El Paso.  

There is no way I'm falling asleep now, I'm a wreck.

World Record Letter

Well he wasn't lying.  I went to lunch a little late today on purpose so that I'd be home when the mail came.  On my way back to work there it was! A TEN PAGE letter. Front and back. Thats like 20 pages...well 19 cuz the last page is only a front side but anyway...

Turns out his companion barely even writes his weekly email home let alone actually putting pen to paper and writing someone at home which makes things difficult when you are required to be with that person 24/7

Not much else to say except I'm happy.  I have 10 (really 19) pages of happiness to peruse while I hope he figures out how to write me semi-regularly. 

P.S.  As of today: 600 more days

*Happy Dance*

So This Is Why I'm Putting Myself Through This

For THIS FEELING right here.

Today is Jordan's P-day and I usually get the family email forwarded to me.  Having been at the Renaissance Weekend for the past 5ish days, and since I had an AMAZING blessing from the bishop on Wednesday, I had totally forgot. I had not checked my email every 10 minutes like I usually do on Mondays and I had even forgot to be sad/depressed/angry about Valentines Day yesterday!!!  

So today, the email came.  On the subject line I got the "hello family" and then another new message.... Subject line said: "Hey can you forward this to Chantal" and right there my heart jumped back into the correct place and started beating again, I suddenly had air in my lungs and warmth back in my hands..and I hadn't even opened it yet!

Basically all it said was that he did enjoy and read all of the mail I sent him and he had been responding slowly since P-days didn't have much time for writing and he'd been writing during his meals and before bed in order to get back to me.  I should be getting a "massive" response to the last two months worth of letters in the mail soon; He is putting it in the mail today or tomorrow,

Simple, a couple smiley face emoticons, and then I remembered: 

Wow, I love this boy. 

=)

The bishop said something to me on Wednesday: "This is the kind of guy you want.  One who can give himself to the Lord entirely for these two years and love the Lord more than he loves you, which means delayed contact sometimes." I'll take that.  I DO think it's a sign that I didn't get that e-mail until AFTER I had come to terms with it and fixed my falling apart self though.  It feels nice to breathe again.

Happy Day-After-Valentine's Day (AKA Discounted Chocolate Day) to EVERYONE!

Aaaaaaaand.....

That does it.  I'm officially depressed.

I feel dumb for wishing and even dumber for believing.

I had an awesome day, and a glimpse into my future career and it looks so exciting.

But I couldn't even really enjoy it.

It's like he has left all over again.

Constantly on the verge of tears, feeling weak, defeated, and sullen.

It's my blog, I'm allowed to whine. I don't do it in real life so I'm going to do it here.

I mean seriously, not even a note in almost 2 months now?

Send me an effing post card.

I want to be angry, but I can't be angry because that would be selfish.

I can't be sad because that would be prideful.

I can't be anxious because that would be impatience.

I can only be happy.  That is the only emotion I am allowed to feel.

I can only be happy, when all I want is to kick and scream and cry and demand answers.

But I can't, because that would be childish.

I don't want to be happy.

Note to self: Facebook

Do NOT look up his ex girlfriends on Facebook...especially if they are about 293847298374298374923874 times hotter than you.

Ugh. What a day ruiner.

The more time goes on since he left, the more I am entirely convinced that the year we were together was a giant fluke.  He is amazing and I am ridiculously lacking... How could he stand to be with me for over a year?  Now he is out there getting even MORE amazing and I'm still sitting here.

A few days before he left I jokingly said "Its ok, I know you are just going on a mission so that you can break up with me." I think I may not have been joking so much as wanting him to prove me wrong...instead he was just slightly insulted and logically pointed out that even the worst relationship on earth would be easier than serving a mission...thanks...haha.

I'm all full of icky feelings again, I haven't gotten a letter in a month now and I'm so worried that he might not want to hear from me at all.  I must purge myself of these before I have another emotional breakdown, those are so inconvenient.

HUGELY GIGANTIMOUS NEWS!

In Biggest News:
Christmas came, it was wonderful.  ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE I GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY MY PLANE TICKET TO EUROPE!!!!  Yup, thats right everyone, I am on my way!  Last week I almost completely emptied my bank account and bought myself plane tickets.  On May 25th at 7:50 at night I fly out to London switch planes, and head to Glasgow!  I will meet Marisa there and we will have an exceptional 2 weeks gallivanting through the UK and eventually hit Paris.  It will be astounding, superb, and all those other words that mean "effing awesome".  Now I just need to save up the money to pay for lodgings and food and other necessities like transport and souvenirs.  I'm actually not that worried about it because now the heat is on, I have to save up the money.

In other important, but not as fun/exciting news: 
Still waiting on word from...well ANYONE about getting an internship, I sent in a bunch of applications right before Christmas but I still haven't gotten any feedback.  I am absolutely terrified that I won't be able to find a place to take me, I wanted to already be started by now!  So please, everyone, pray for my internship and by extension my entire academic future....PLEASE!


In Jordan news:

      look how cute!

This is at the MTC, with a family friend that happened to be there at the same time. 

I'm not gonna lie, my insides still ache most of the time, and especially when I think about how much longer there is, but I sent him one of our old digital cameras for Christmas so hopefully we will be getting more pictures.  They somehow make me feel better.  I like to think of it this way: only one more holiday season to go!

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. ~Lamartine

Its weird.  I have good days and bad days, but the bad days seem far more terrible than they used to be, and the good days seem to be fewer and further between. They hardly seem worth it.


Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
~W.S. Merwin, "Separation"
 


And now I'm just a whiner.

Another Letter!

That makes 2 in a month! I was expecting that many in a year! I'm so happy I just may dance =)