Bawl My Freaking Eyes Out

Seriously.  Every time.

inspiration and revelation

Side Note: This one has been in my "drafts" since November.

In talking about finding my husband, my patriarchal blessing it says: 

"The Lord will bless you with Inspiration and revelation to know the person whom you should marry."  

I recieved my blessing when I was 13.  I never notices that there were two words there...I always glazed over it wanting to go to the sentence where it actually SAYS we will get married. (which it doesn't, by the way, it just says that I'll meet him and I'll know its right and he'll be worthy to take me to the temple...some say that is splitting hairs to which I reply "do you even KNOW me at all?")  In any rate, I was in the temple doing baptisms a while ago and it hit me that there are two words here.  It also hit me that the Lord wouldn't put two words in there that mean the same thing.  If there are two words, they mean TWO SEPERATE CONCEPTS.  Being in the temple, I had no internet or dictionary to work with, but I did have something much better- a room full of awesome people feeling spiritual highs.  I asked the guy next to me...I can't remember who it was...but I asked him: "Hey, do you know the difference between inspiration and revelation?"  "Yeah" he said, "Um...well...I know they're different..." and then he did something that had me feeling a serious "no DUH" moment.  He turned to a member of the temple presidency who happened in on our session an asked HIM the question.

The Presidency member looked at me puzzled.  I explained to him that the phrase is used in my patriarchal blessing and I was just trying to understand it better.  He smiled at me and explained, and his explanation totally revamped how I saw my blessing.  I'd always thought that sentence meant that I'd know who I should marry through the holy spirit..but again, it straight up says that a little later so why is it phrased this way?  Because inspiration and revelation are two totally different things.  This is how it was explained to me:  Revelation is the feeling, the knowledge that is given to you through prayer or fasting or by straight up divine intervention.  But INSPIRATION is the feeling that makes you want to DO SOMETHING with it.  I receive revelation that the prophet is a man of God, and therefore I am inspired to listen to what he says and then actually do it.  An artist receives a mental picture in their head-what they want to do, and the feeling that follows is their inspiration, the drive to actually put it to paper and make it happen because they know what they want.  Inspiration makes you do something.

I didn't press the man in the temple any further, as it took him explaining it a few ways for me to fully grasp it (I can be dense sometimes), but my next question was going to be: "How does this fit into context with my finding a husband?" "How can I be inspired to know whom I should marry?"  Unfortunately I still have no answer- my best guess is that I will be inspired to do things that I wouldn't normally do, that knowing I should marry him will be enough to motivate me to work for it.  That I won't just KNOW and then get discouraged or let it slip away when it starts getting hard.  That I wont do what I always do when I have a goal or a thought and just decide it's not practical and that I should let it go.  That Heavenly Father will bless me with gumption when I have nothing left to give.  That He'll make me a fighter.  Or this could all just be romantic babble that will come back to haunt me/kick me in the butt later. Does anyone else have some insight I'm not seeing? Am I totally missing the point here?

Unfortunately there is only one way to find out...

Milestone #8: 250 Days Left

...yup...

Not much else to say about that but I felt like it needed to be commemorated.

<3

I Really Do Hate Being a Girl...

So...totally over it.  Those last two posts can be disregarded as a combination of stress, insecurity, bad communication and hormones.  Any two of those things would end in an outburst but I was lucky enough to feel all of them simultaneously. Jordan was able to write and explain some things and I feel better...I considered deleting the posts but then I figured anyone who was going to read them already has by now and also its not like i didn't feel what I felt.  I did feel it, just not anymore.

Because I'm a stupid girl after all.

....

Which sounds like a rejected Disney ride theme song.

....

Who knew?

Update

Less angry. More hurt. 

Less motivated (didn't write a letter this week).  More confused (not sure why, as I'm not mad, just nothing to say).

Less willing to believe in the fairy tell.  More likely to give my old cynical self a revival.

On the brighter side though, 2010 is finally over and 2011 is here to make me feel better...Also I bought a pink dress that makes my boobs look "normal sized" so that's pretty freakin' awesome, considering...

Ok, New Year.  Let's see whatcha got for me :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

DOA

You know the expression "beating a dead horse"? I feel like I'm giving the horse mouth-to-mouth, the whole time thinking that maybe the next breath will be that one...and how am I ever going to know if I don't try just one more last breath? This is a living breathing THING, this is something I once loved and hope to love forever.  I know I should give up and I know I look like the biggest idiot on the planet flailing and wishing and working as hard as I do to keep it just on the verge of alive....Someone needs to put ME out of my misery.  Someone call it.  Tell me the time of death and tell me its ok to let it die, because its no good loving something that doesn't love you back enough to breathe.

Further proof that I am, in fact, mentally ill

I was considering my future the other day, which is usually a fearful time for me, so I try not to do it often.  I literally feel myself start thinking ahead and then, in order to distract myself, I will make a funny noise out loud or sing a song to stop thinking about it...it's THAT frightening to me sometimes.  Anyway, so I allowed myself to think about it for the first time in...I'd say a year or so....and something even more frightening occurred...I wasn't frightened at all.  Disturbed by this (Am I REALLY so far gone that scary things don't even illicit emotion in me anymore?!) I thought up worst possible scenarios in order to jolt myself into a sense of being human....And it didn't work.  I thought: "What if Jordan doesn't love me anymore?" to which I answered "You'll still live, you didn't deserve him anyway"....not in depresso tones, just matter-of-fact like.  Finding myself still unmoved I tried more drastic inner dialog: "What if ALL your friends get married before you do and you have no one to do things with anymore?" my sullen answer to myself: "Don't be stupid, you know you like being alone, you are social on purpose to keep yourself out of your own head...see you're even talking to yourself now."  "good point." I responded. Still weird-ed out that I wasn't scared or worried or anything I threw out all the stops and said to myself: "Self, what if you NEVER get married; like at all, to anyone, ever?"  My response? "Think of all the freedoms you'll have! Never any pressure to reproduce, no one to bug you when you just want to be alone, no one to be responsible to if you just decide like ditching work or church one day...Shoot you may even get to tour the whole world because you wont have to match up vacation times or feel guilty for leaving someone behind!  I think you'd be good as a lifetime bachelorette."

So yeah, there's that.