Aaaaaaaand.....

That does it.  I'm officially depressed.

I feel dumb for wishing and even dumber for believing.

I had an awesome day, and a glimpse into my future career and it looks so exciting.

But I couldn't even really enjoy it.

It's like he has left all over again.

Constantly on the verge of tears, feeling weak, defeated, and sullen.

It's my blog, I'm allowed to whine. I don't do it in real life so I'm going to do it here.

I mean seriously, not even a note in almost 2 months now?

Send me an effing post card.

I want to be angry, but I can't be angry because that would be selfish.

I can't be sad because that would be prideful.

I can't be anxious because that would be impatience.

I can only be happy.  That is the only emotion I am allowed to feel.

I can only be happy, when all I want is to kick and scream and cry and demand answers.

But I can't, because that would be childish.

I don't want to be happy.

Note to self: Past Texts

Do not, in a fit of missing him and bittersweet nostalgia, go to your iPhone which saves every text you've EVER gotten and go into his name.

Re-reading the conversations from the last few days before he left will only cause muffled sobs into your pillow.

Lesson learned. Moving on.

emotional breakdown in 3....2....

Dark Side: 

I am stupid and counted weeks wrong, today is transfer day which messes up mail and he will be getting his birthday package late.

Now a month and a half since the last letter, maybe I shouldn't send it at all and make the brownies myself...

Mean people suck. "I hear fat whores are cheap in Cypress"..."At least I'm not 350 pounds and waiting for a boy that probably wont even want me in 2 years."  If I weren't trying to be more Christ-like....that boy would have been emotionally scarred for life.  Instead I have to take it, and stew, and cry that maybe he is right.  (not about the 350 pounds, I happen to KNOW for a fact that I am not 350 pounds).

Bright Side:

 I got the internship I wanted.  I start Wednesday the 27th.

My life is starting to seem a little off-balance

1...0...

Note to self: Facebook

Do NOT look up his ex girlfriends on Facebook...especially if they are about 293847298374298374923874 times hotter than you.

Ugh. What a day ruiner.

The more time goes on since he left, the more I am entirely convinced that the year we were together was a giant fluke.  He is amazing and I am ridiculously lacking... How could he stand to be with me for over a year?  Now he is out there getting even MORE amazing and I'm still sitting here.

A few days before he left I jokingly said "Its ok, I know you are just going on a mission so that you can break up with me." I think I may not have been joking so much as wanting him to prove me wrong...instead he was just slightly insulted and logically pointed out that even the worst relationship on earth would be easier than serving a mission...thanks...haha.

I'm all full of icky feelings again, I haven't gotten a letter in a month now and I'm so worried that he might not want to hear from me at all.  I must purge myself of these before I have another emotional breakdown, those are so inconvenient.

Writer's Block

I am trying to write Jordan's weekly letter, and I have plenty to tell him, but I can't remember any of it!!  So maybe blogging will chip away at the writer's block in my brain.

I think I miss performing.  I'm getting crazier and crazier in my personal life and I think I'm just acting out for the reactions.  It has been so long since I've been in front of an audience or on a stage or under those blinding bright lights.  Strangely enough I have a sizable amount of stage fright, however the rush of the performance and the fulfillment of applause led me to be a dancer for 10 years.  After that I was in choir through all of middle school and high school.  I also was in color guard for 3 years.  I've been in several plays and countless dance shows, and I realized today that I really haven't been a part of a performance since high school.  Could this be the reason behind my constant antsy behavior and ADD like brain waves? It wouldn't surprise me.

I tried looking around for things I could join or even just be a small part of, but the sucky part about being a grown up is that there are barely enough hours in the day to do the things you NEED to do, let alone time to do the things you WANT to do.  

So I pose this question to the masses: How do YOU find time to do the things you love?

And now for a selfish moment

I miss having someone tell me I'm beautiful

That is all

Time: The Ultimate Cursed Treasure

Time is a funny thing.  We are either waiting on it to pass, trying desperately to hang on to what has come and gone, or trying to slow down the inevitable. I am simultaneously doing all of these things for different aspects of my life, and I do not think that mine is a singular experience.  While I am grateful for the time I have been given, as I have a lot to accomplish, I would rather hit the fast forward button sometimes.  However, other times I would rather go back and the rewind button would be the most attractive. I want more time, but I would like to be able to pick and choose where that time would go.

I look at pictures from last Christmas and New Year's time and I can't believe it has been a year already, it all seems like it just happened, and that it happened forever ago.Sometimes I can't believe this last year has even really happened.  It is all so surreal: finishing up classes, wisdom teeth, cancer, and kidney stones.  Travels, goals, and learning discipline.  Crushing, dating, falling in love, staying in love, saying good bye to love so that other people can have the chance to feel the amazing powers of the gospel...and SO many tears...how could all that have happened already? Now here we are, at a screeching halt. Waiting.  Waiting for interviews, for exercise to take its effect, for paperwork, for doctors appointments, for every precious letter, for dreams to come true, for good days to come, and for the hard days to pass.  My Patriarchal Blessing says specifically that I must be patient, so I'll be patient.

You're move.

My Latest Addiction

If anyone is not familiar with HowStuffWorks.com you should make yourself familiar with it.  That website is the most entertaining thing on the whole internets and it isn't even a time-sucker because you are LEARNING INTERESTING STUFF!  I realize that statement makes me a ridiculously annoying nerd, but it is true.

The best part is the "Stuff You Missed In History Class" Podcast HERE.  I am in the throws of an all out addiction.  I downloaded like 80 of them and have been listening to them off and on non stop for the past week.  They recommend books on the subjects you are interested and tell you, as you would expect, the stuff your history class never told you.  Genius. Give me more please.  I have learned tons in a very little amount of time.  I wish I had this podcast when I took my AP history exam.

HUGELY GIGANTIMOUS NEWS!

In Biggest News:
Christmas came, it was wonderful.  ESPECIALLY THE PART WHERE I GOT ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY MY PLANE TICKET TO EUROPE!!!!  Yup, thats right everyone, I am on my way!  Last week I almost completely emptied my bank account and bought myself plane tickets.  On May 25th at 7:50 at night I fly out to London switch planes, and head to Glasgow!  I will meet Marisa there and we will have an exceptional 2 weeks gallivanting through the UK and eventually hit Paris.  It will be astounding, superb, and all those other words that mean "effing awesome".  Now I just need to save up the money to pay for lodgings and food and other necessities like transport and souvenirs.  I'm actually not that worried about it because now the heat is on, I have to save up the money.

In other important, but not as fun/exciting news: 
Still waiting on word from...well ANYONE about getting an internship, I sent in a bunch of applications right before Christmas but I still haven't gotten any feedback.  I am absolutely terrified that I won't be able to find a place to take me, I wanted to already be started by now!  So please, everyone, pray for my internship and by extension my entire academic future....PLEASE!


In Jordan news:

      look how cute!

This is at the MTC, with a family friend that happened to be there at the same time. 

I'm not gonna lie, my insides still ache most of the time, and especially when I think about how much longer there is, but I sent him one of our old digital cameras for Christmas so hopefully we will be getting more pictures.  They somehow make me feel better.  I like to think of it this way: only one more holiday season to go!

Life Crisis Cut

So on Christmas Eve I chopped off all of my hair

Look at all that! I think it was about 6-7 inches

This is the end result:

I really like it.  It takes me 10 minutes flat to go from "wet just out of the shower" to "all done!"  I told Jordan in my last letter and he is now extremely worried that I have made myself look ridiculous.  Like most boys  he subscribes to the belief that short hair on girls looks weird or androgynously creepy.  I think I'll have to send him some pictures to prove that is in entirely possible to have short hair and still look like a totally attractive female.