Monday, October 10, 2011
The End Draweth Nigh
Posted by Unknown at 7:25 PM 0 comments
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Milestone #10: Holy Milestone of Milestones!
10 more days of his mission.
11 until he is home.
If that is not a milestone then I don't know what is.
So in preparation and, of course, in distraction, I have begun the process of totally gutting my room and cleaning/scrubbing/de-cluttering everything that I can....Consequently, this means that my room looks way worse than it did before I started "cleaning". I bought decorative stuff. It only took me a year of living here. New blankets and sheets, new shower curtain and bath mat, threw away all those shoes under my bed that I havent worn in 3 years and now the real work of vacuuming, scrubbing, mopping, and wiping is about to begin...
And here I am, updating my blog from the living room with my bedroom door closed so I can pretend it's not a black hole of disgusting-ness. Because I'm exhausted and totally burnt out.
Posted by Unknown at 5:34 PM 0 comments
Labels: Milestone, Missionary Mania
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Something Happy, Something Peppy, Something Snappy
Posted by Unknown at 1:00 AM 1 comments
Labels: Ramblings
Le Saboteur
So I have this problem (weird right? I NEVER talk about my problems here...) I have taken the art of self sabotage to a whole new level. I've been thinking about a lot of complex things over the last few weeks. Hope. Emotion. The future. Sabotage. In doing so I've realized a lot of ugly things about myself. Things I'd like to change but I'm honestly not too sure how I'd even start going about it. I believe the root of it all is the fact that I have 0 hope for myself. But that is not what this post is about. This post is about my breakthrough that I had in my brain earlier today that I'd like to immortalize here. Partially so I can look back and remind myself, and partially so that at least the people who read it know that I know it is a problem and I'm working on it...
I self sabotage. I self sabotage to the point where my 10 inch mole-hill of possible achievements turns into a 40 foot crater in the middle of opposite-of-goals-ville. This is becoming more and more apparent to me as the time ticks down til Jordan gets home. I am SO terrified about the unknown of it all that I have to restrain myself-sometimes physically- from being a complete idiot and ruining everything I've worked for. I couldn't understand why it was suddenly so hard to just be a good person like I have been trying to be for a while now...Then I got really honest with myself and realized what the deep recesses of my psyche was feeling. If you aren't really trying then you aren't really losing anything if it doesn't work out. It's not failing if I didn't REALLY try, it was just something that happened, not like I care or anything because I mean I didn't even TRY. Of course I'm not losing any weight, I'm not even REALLY trying, I'm sure if I did it would work...maybe. But if I try my hardest and then fail anyway...well that is worse than just staying the same. Most of all it is this: When I sabotage myself and thereby make myself completely unlovable and insure without a doubt that there is no way he'll want me...well then there is no need to wait and worry about it his decision, I took control of the situation and took away the fear of the unknown. Seriously, how effed up is THAT? I'm starting to think I really need therapy.
Posted by Unknown at 12:26 AM 1 comments
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Best Friend
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, and then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.
---Neil Gaiman
Posted by Unknown at 10:57 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I love this song.
There is no video, but everyone should listen to it :)
And here are the lyrics for those too lazy to google it:
won't you let me give you a hand
i have an extra I'm not using
won't you let me lighten your load
i mean after all your legs are shaking
and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all
won't you let me match your stride
i can slow down if you want to
we can handle it side by side
what do you say girl don't you want to
and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all
I'd be lying
if i ran away
I'd be lying
if i ran another way
and so I'll stay
but won't you let me be your man
I'm strong enough you know that i can
be the one to ease your mind
ease your mind
and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is is me after all
I'd be lying
if i ran another way
I'd be lying
if i ran another way
and so I'll stay
won't you let me give you a hand
i have an extra I'm not using
won't you let me lighten your load
i mean after all your legs are shaking
and i can understand
all i need is your hand
oh won't you take the fall
it is me after all
[x2]
there's not much that you can do
to get me to run away from you
[x6]
I'd be lying
if i ran away
I'd be lying
if i ran another away
Posted by Unknown at 8:44 PM 1 comments
Labels: Ramblings