You know the expression "beating a dead horse"? I feel like I'm giving the horse mouth-to-mouth, the whole time thinking that maybe the next breath will be that one...and how am I ever going to know if I don't try just one more last breath? This is a living breathing THING, this is something I once loved and hope to love forever. I know I should give up and I know I look like the biggest idiot on the planet flailing and wishing and working as hard as I do to keep it just on the verge of alive....Someone needs to put ME out of my misery. Someone call it. Tell me the time of death and tell me its ok to let it die, because its no good loving something that doesn't love you back enough to breathe.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
I was considering my future the other day, which is usually a fearful time for me, so I try not to do it often. I literally feel myself start thinking ahead and then, in order to distract myself, I will make a funny noise out loud or sing a song to stop thinking about it...it's THAT frightening to me sometimes. Anyway, so I allowed myself to think about it for the first time in...I'd say a year or so....and something even more frightening occurred...I wasn't frightened at all. Disturbed by this (Am I REALLY so far gone that scary things don't even illicit emotion in me anymore?!) I thought up worst possible scenarios in order to jolt myself into a sense of being human....And it didn't work. I thought: "What if Jordan doesn't love me anymore?" to which I answered "You'll still live, you didn't deserve him anyway"....not in depresso tones, just matter-of-fact like. Finding myself still unmoved I tried more drastic inner dialog: "What if ALL your friends get married before you do and you have no one to do things with anymore?" my sullen answer to myself: "Don't be stupid, you know you like being alone, you are social on purpose to keep yourself out of your own head...see you're even talking to yourself now." "good point." I responded. Still weird-ed out that I wasn't scared or worried or anything I threw out all the stops and said to myself: "Self, what if you NEVER get married; like at all, to anyone, ever?" My response? "Think of all the freedoms you'll have! Never any pressure to reproduce, no one to bug you when you just want to be alone, no one to be responsible to if you just decide like ditching work or church one day...Shoot you may even get to tour the whole world because you wont have to match up vacation times or feel guilty for leaving someone behind! I think you'd be good as a lifetime bachelorette."
So yeah, there's that.